Decisions, decisions...

I went from having no time to think to having too much time to think. I told myself that my unhappiness stemmed from being miserably busy. As things died down, I realized that wasn't entirely true. Sure, I was miserably busy but I was also miserable otherwise. It wasn't my sunny morning beach runs or the ridiculously cheap happy hours with friends. It wasn't warm days laying on a towel in the sand or the silhouettes of palm trees against the blue sky on distant hilltops. It was the loneliness and overwhelming pressure I felt when I opened up my Deloitte hp laptop. I didn't necessarily feel pressure from superiors, but from the loss of motivation and drive. My positive attitude toward my extremely demanding career had escaped me.

I had to reassure myself that I wasn't just focusing my doubts toward work and just missing the whole point of my unhappiness. I reached out and had buddy dinners, counselor lunches, and talked about the atmosphere of this location with colleagues. Based on what I was observing, I wasn't exactly surprised that many of them had similar opinions. Therefore, I sought the guidance of the superiors I trust (who just so happen to be in Denver). Regardless of any bias, I turned to who I trust - those who care for me and my future. After repeating my dilemma numerous times, I kept drawing the same conclusion. I made a call and confirmed my return to the Denver office.

I'm leaving the cons of negative working relationships, lack of drive, congestion, astronomical income tax, and the general nature of Never Never Land. Sadly though, I'm also leaving the pros of bodies of water, California burritos, mild/warm climate, beach runs, great friends, fun happy hours, and much more. While the lack of water and lengthy winters are cons of Denver, the Mile-High City is a stones throw away from the mountains and has over 300 days of sunshine a year. Colorado's full of extremely kindhearted people and unlimited outdoor activities. I have amazing relationships there including friendships and those of a working nature, not to mention my heart's most significant connection. The leadership in the Denver office motivates me to perform well and in return, I know they will help me accomplish my goals and explore my aspirations. Like I mentioned in my previous post, leaving Denver was difficult and now I know why. I took a lot of things for granted including those that brought me security and fulfillment. I followed my heart there in the first place and I left my heart there as I drove my life away. It has been my home and will continue to be just that...until further notice.

The sun has set on my experience here. With that, I say farewell to San Diego thankful for the time I did spend here. I have furthered my understanding of myself and what I truly value. I appreciate the friendships forged here and the lessons learned. Now I will say goodbye and leave the short time I spent here to my memories.

Another Summer Passes

As I sit in my 'new' apartment in San Diego for the first time since moving-in almost 2 weeks ago, I'm trying to reflect on the Summer that just passed. I'm struggling.

Since the beginning of June, I packed my life up and moved it from Denver to San Diego. I enjoyed every last second I got to spend in Colorado this summer , ran my first half marathon in Seattle over my 27th birthday weekend, and put my life in a moving truck. Leaving Colorado was much harder than I anticipated and I even had second thoughts. If I thought it were possible, I probably would have changed my mind and stayed in Denver. Instead, I kept telling myself that I needed a new start in a new place. Not allowing myself to go with gut, I convinced myself I didn't know any better and should follow through with my move to San Diego. I said goodbye and spent the 4th of July with my mom in Las Vegas where we parked the moving truck for the night. My generous and thoughtful friend let me stay with her while my life was packed up in a storage unit and I was searching for a new place to call home. I started working at the office here and was thrust into an intense audit right from the start. In the extremely small amount of time I had, I found a place to live. We issued the client's 10-K and I started to unpack. Unpacking came with intense emotions as pulling my life out of boxes and placing it on new shelves filled my with regret and a unwelcome permanence.

My new beginning in San Diego hasn't been easy and has me missing everything about Colorado. I had just settled into my life there and felt comfortable after almost a year of learning. I had good people around me and the great outdoors at my fingertips. As much as I tried to tell myself this move is what's best for me, I can't help but disagree now that I'm here. Again, I'm just able to sit down in my own space for the first time after 2 long months. Only after I'm able to settle and get into a routine here will I be able to truly evaluate my new life situation. As of now, all I feel is exhaustion, loneliness, and regret. My attempt to start over has left me rehashing the past, making it seem impossible to move forward. Rather, I've felt that each day I've been here has been Groundhog's Day and ultimately, a waste of my life. I know it will take time to be sure, but maybe I wasn't ready. Maybe this isn't my place. Maybe I should have listened to what I didn't know was my 'gut' before it was too late.

After struggling here for a couple of months, I knew a trip back home to Seattle would be a relief. I spent a long Labor Day weekend with family and friends. I had the honor of being a part of one of my very best friends' wedding day. I was surrounded by good people and great friends. It was a fun-filled wedding weekend and I had a great time. When I wasn't enjoying the wedding events, I was with my family. I missed them and it felt better than ever to spend every second I could with them. The weekend reminded me of all the things I want for my life and what kind of life I want to be a part of. It reiterated what I'm ready for and why I need my heart to heal so that it can be ready too. Needless to say, it was an emotional trip home.

Filled with confusion as to where I want to be, I will give San Diego the time I think is necessary before reevaluating the place I want to be. It may be Denver and it my be Seattle. I may be ready to move back home and surround myself with family or may want to move back to Denver and surround myself with the wonderful friends I made. I may actually get comfortable here, but regardless of the outcome, for now I'll hope the tears stop falling as frequently.