DON'T MISTAKE UNIQUENESS FOR WEAKNESS

"Never take a person for granted. Hold every person close to your heart because you might wake up one day and realize that you've lost a diamond while you were too busy collecting stones."

I really don't think any of us truly know who we are as individuals, but that's the beauty of being human. We aren't supposed to really know for sure. The only thing we can be sure of is that we change and we do it every day. Each experience molds us in a different direction and forms who we are as individuals. What I am sure of is that being true to who we know we are and who we want to be is a highly commendable quality. None of us are perfect, but we should strive to be the type of people we want to be based on what we've learned from our own experiences as well as those of others.

"Friendship with oneself is all-important because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world."

- Eleanor Roosevelt

It takes courage to be an individual in our world - to have independent thoughts and morals. It takes more strength to stand up for the good in you then to give in to the bad influences around you. It takes courage to realize that sometimes being alone is better for you than succumbing to the desperation of having friends. That desperation often makes people oblivious to the situation they put themselves in. I think only those of us who are true individuals can remove ourselves from a situation and view it with the perspective of a perched bird. Only then can you perceive the relationships you have for what they truly are. Only then can you reflect on your actions and those of others so as to make decisions in the future that are best for you and only you.

"Associate yourself with men of good quality if you esteem your own reputation; for 'tis better to be alone than in bad company."

- George Washington (1732 - 1799) US Statesman

I think too often we hold on to relationships because of the history or convenience. I say that being away from home is hard at times, but it has been a palpable blessing. Removing myself from my comfort zone full of friends I've had forever has given me an amazing perspective on all of the relationships in my life. Throughout the years and through the moves, it gets easier and easier to know right away who I want in my life. I don't believe in making friends and spending time with people you don't truly care about or who don't truly care about you. I don't believe in holding onto relationships without mutual respect and appreciation. Being friends with people just because you've been friends for so long or just because there isn't anybody else around doesn't make sense to me anymore. I am proud to say that I love and respect the friends I choose to have. Each is extremely different from the next when it comes to career, beliefs, family, habits, dreams, etc., but they all have their own identities and that is respectable. They have their own identities and don't expect me to change into them or vice versa. They respect me for who I am.

"My best friend is the one who brings out the best in me."

- Henry Ford

Throughout my moves around, I have developed amazing relationships with people and I've learned a great amount about who I am and who I want to be. I've learned that rather then staying quiet and adapting to those around me, it's easier and more beneficial to open my mouth and say what I think and tell them what I'm about. If they like me, I know they like me for who I really am. If they don't, it doesn't matter to me one bit. There are too many people in this world to worry about one or two people disagreeing with the way I am. I appreciate the friends I've made. I appreciate them for loving me for who I am, for the stupid things I say, for the mistakes I make, for my imperfections, and mostly for our differences. No two people are that much alike and if it seems that they are, they aren't individuals and most likely don't truly know each other.

"Your friend is the man who knows all about you, and still likes you."

- Elbert Hubard

I've always said that I think it takes more strength to say how you feel than to hold it in. If you don't, you'll never know who you are and neither will those you claim to have relationships with. A foundation based on superficial things is no foundation at all. Do what you love. Explore who you are so you know how you feel and never hide those feelings from anyone. True friendship is founded on a mutual respect for individual thoughts and opinions. If you aren't being honest, you aren't being a friend. I have the most respect for those who do things because they love what they do, not because it's the popular thing to do. Being a follower is nothing to be proud of.

"A friend to all is a friend to none."

- Aristotle

Thank you to all of my wonderful friends who are so different in every single way. Keep being you. That's why I love you. Thank you for loving me.

"Never shall I forget the days I spent with you. Continue to be my friend, as you will always find me yours."

- Ludwig van Beethoven

I'm coming out of hibernation.

Alright alright...I'm getting sick of my own Negative Nancy ass. I know that I am constantly over-analyzing every situation and second-guessing most every decision I make as a result. I go over each possible scenario and outcome in my mind numerous times leading me to the worst possible result, which for some reason always seems more likely than the alternative. It's more than obvious to me and everyone around me that my way of thinking can get me into a lot of trouble. In my defense, I'm no fool and I'm not oblivious. At times I choose to ignore my logic and at other times, I choose to ignore my emotions. I'm really tired of my logic and emotions disagreeing. It's about time I held a mediation session between the two so we can all be friends again.

Using my Mom's description of my blog, I'm very poignant. This is true as what I've been spewing from my mind has been, to her and I at least, profoundly moving, sharply perceptive, and acutely painful. I'm not going to sugarcoat anything or mask my roller coaster of emotions, but I'm about sick of the acutely painful part of things. As indecisive as I am, I'm deciding to be happy. Being happy to me means being happy about my decisions and deciding to do things that make me happy. If that means sitting in my sweats, drinking with my girlfriend all day Saturday rather than doing laundry or going to the gym, so be it. My happiness has been at stake for what seems like an eternity. I'm going forward with the profoundly moving and sharply perceptive side of things....not that I really think anything I say is all that moving.

So what will I write about if I'm not closed off in a bear cave hibernating through the depression? Stupid things. Simple things. Shallow things. I don't know. Maybe I'll post lists. Maybe I'll be a critic of all things. Maybe I'll just spit out all of my thoughts that I don't have anyone to share with. Of course, I'll have good days and bad days and I'll have to share my thoughts on either day. As evidenced in this blog of mine, I'm not above pouring out my most buried emotions as sad as they may be at times. I'm just an awkwardly single girl with a ton on my mind. I don't have a family and kids to post stories about and share pictures of. I'm just plain lil' me.

I'm just going to be true to myself from now on. That's simple enough, right? Everything else will fall into place. I think I'm actually starting to believe that, oddly enough. Just like one of my magnets says:


This has been happening to me here and there, but my dumb ass has chosen to ignore it rather than embrace it. I'm pretty tired of my bear cave of emotions. I'm ready to be happy and I believe it's starting to happen so I'm just going to let it. Trying so hard has only taken away from my enjoyment of the little things in life. I fucking love those little things, so I need to get it together. I've gone against my grain for far too long. Maybe that's been the problem. Today was a good day and so was yesterday and the day before that and the day before that. I can't complain. I'm just going to ride this one out - out of hibernation.

Movies get me thinking. Thinking simply.

On New Year's Day, Lifetime was having a Jennifer Aniston marathon. I didn't realize the variety of roles she's played until I saw the movie lineup for the day. I did a lot of channel surfing throughout the day as my entire body was glued to my couch, so I saw bits and pieces of most of the flicks. The one I did watch entirely was "The Good Girl". Seen it? She plays a 30 year-old unhappily married employee of Bargain Barn and even sports a southern accent. Her stoner husband doesn't "get" her and she's unhappy with every aspect of her life from her job to her inability to conceive. Her unhappiness drives her to accept the attention of a coworker and start an affair with him, which only left her assured that she wanted to stay in her marriage regardless of her dissatisfaction. Her husband learns about the affair and immediately accepts what's happened and moves forward working on his marriage. Throughout the movie she gives a lot of narration about her life and some of what she said really hit home for me. Maybe I'm just too dark and twisty for my own good these days or maybe I'm just dark and twisty. Plain and simple. I'm learning lessons though and I'm looking forward to applying them.

"As a girl, you see the world as a giant candy store filled with sweet candy and such. But one day, you look around and see you're in a prison and you're on death row. You wanna run or scream or cry, but something's locking you up. Are the other folks cows, chewing cud till the hour comes and their heads roll? Or are they just keeping their quiet just like you, planning their escape?" Now that's something I can relate to. Obviously, I'm not keeping my quiet but I am realizing that I feel like I'm in a prison right now and I do want to run or scream and I do cry, but I'm locked up. Locked in my lonely apartment with the blinds closed ignoring the fabulousness of the world outside. Locked in a demanding career without motivation, curious about what might make me happy between 8 and 5. I need to be saved, by something, by someone, by myself, by anything. I don't want to "go to the grave with unlived life in my veins".

"Sometimes I think to myself, at least it can't get worse, but it can. A blind man can go deaf. A widow can lose her children." How true is this? It gives me a different perspective. It could be worse. It can always be worse than it is. For me, things have gotten worse after I thought they couldn't. While I feel broken, I have my youth, my health, my neglected career, and surprisingly enough...I have some hope for the future. I'm also hoping things start looking up sooner than later.

"The story of my current life is about a woman who was put upon. Whose job is a prison and whose life has lost meaning. Other people don't get her, especially the man she loved." Dark and twisty, but the way I feel a lot of the time. I don't even get myself anymore. I need to figure out a way for that to change - A concious effort to befriend myself and reach for possibilities.

So here I am in the "sad ruin that is my life", watching deeply sad movies and contemplating a purpose. "How it all came down to this, only the devil knows." We're here and then we die. I do know a few things, though. I want to live, love, and learn. What I've learned most recently is that I want to live simply and simply love. I've exhausted my patience for and my will to be complicated. I want a simple life with a simple job, simple needs, and most of all, I want to love simply. Nobody's close to perfect and those kind of expectations cause inevitable disappointment. I think loving simply means looking passed and working through imperfections for the sake of the bottom line: love. That's the only way to feel comfortable and safe in a relationship. Always just appreciating and loving. Simply happy. That's what I want. Plain and simple.