a complex fondness

"When she was confronted with any emotional difficulty, however slight or major, her response was to approach rather than flee. There she would stay until the matter was resolved, and the emotional aftermath was free of any hangover or recrimination. My instincts toward resolution were similar: I knew that silence and distance were far more pernicious than head-on engagement. This compatibility helped ensure that there was no unclaimed baggage between us in the years to come.

As relieved as I was that day by the conversation, I was unnerved by my own vulnerability. It was as though we had crossed into a territory where everything mattered and that we were in it together. "Oh no," I said, half laughing but with tears in my eyes. "What is it?" she asked, concerned, and I said, "I need you.""

"Let's take the long way home" Gail Caldwell

"Adopt the pace of nature: her secret is patience." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Deep Breaths

Decisions, decisions...

I went from having no time to think to having too much time to think. I told myself that my unhappiness stemmed from being miserably busy. As things died down, I realized that wasn't entirely true. Sure, I was miserably busy but I was also miserable otherwise. It wasn't my sunny morning beach runs or the ridiculously cheap happy hours with friends. It wasn't warm days laying on a towel in the sand or the silhouettes of palm trees against the blue sky on distant hilltops. It was the loneliness and overwhelming pressure I felt when I opened up my Deloitte hp laptop. I didn't necessarily feel pressure from superiors, but from the loss of motivation and drive. My positive attitude toward my extremely demanding career had escaped me.

I had to reassure myself that I wasn't just focusing my doubts toward work and just missing the whole point of my unhappiness. I reached out and had buddy dinners, counselor lunches, and talked about the atmosphere of this location with colleagues. Based on what I was observing, I wasn't exactly surprised that many of them had similar opinions. Therefore, I sought the guidance of the superiors I trust (who just so happen to be in Denver). Regardless of any bias, I turned to who I trust - those who care for me and my future. After repeating my dilemma numerous times, I kept drawing the same conclusion. I made a call and confirmed my return to the Denver office.

I'm leaving the cons of negative working relationships, lack of drive, congestion, astronomical income tax, and the general nature of Never Never Land. Sadly though, I'm also leaving the pros of bodies of water, California burritos, mild/warm climate, beach runs, great friends, fun happy hours, and much more. While the lack of water and lengthy winters are cons of Denver, the Mile-High City is a stones throw away from the mountains and has over 300 days of sunshine a year. Colorado's full of extremely kindhearted people and unlimited outdoor activities. I have amazing relationships there including friendships and those of a working nature, not to mention my heart's most significant connection. The leadership in the Denver office motivates me to perform well and in return, I know they will help me accomplish my goals and explore my aspirations. Like I mentioned in my previous post, leaving Denver was difficult and now I know why. I took a lot of things for granted including those that brought me security and fulfillment. I followed my heart there in the first place and I left my heart there as I drove my life away. It has been my home and will continue to be just that...until further notice.

The sun has set on my experience here. With that, I say farewell to San Diego thankful for the time I did spend here. I have furthered my understanding of myself and what I truly value. I appreciate the friendships forged here and the lessons learned. Now I will say goodbye and leave the short time I spent here to my memories.

Another Summer Passes

As I sit in my 'new' apartment in San Diego for the first time since moving-in almost 2 weeks ago, I'm trying to reflect on the Summer that just passed. I'm struggling.

Since the beginning of June, I packed my life up and moved it from Denver to San Diego. I enjoyed every last second I got to spend in Colorado this summer , ran my first half marathon in Seattle over my 27th birthday weekend, and put my life in a moving truck. Leaving Colorado was much harder than I anticipated and I even had second thoughts. If I thought it were possible, I probably would have changed my mind and stayed in Denver. Instead, I kept telling myself that I needed a new start in a new place. Not allowing myself to go with gut, I convinced myself I didn't know any better and should follow through with my move to San Diego. I said goodbye and spent the 4th of July with my mom in Las Vegas where we parked the moving truck for the night. My generous and thoughtful friend let me stay with her while my life was packed up in a storage unit and I was searching for a new place to call home. I started working at the office here and was thrust into an intense audit right from the start. In the extremely small amount of time I had, I found a place to live. We issued the client's 10-K and I started to unpack. Unpacking came with intense emotions as pulling my life out of boxes and placing it on new shelves filled my with regret and a unwelcome permanence.

My new beginning in San Diego hasn't been easy and has me missing everything about Colorado. I had just settled into my life there and felt comfortable after almost a year of learning. I had good people around me and the great outdoors at my fingertips. As much as I tried to tell myself this move is what's best for me, I can't help but disagree now that I'm here. Again, I'm just able to sit down in my own space for the first time after 2 long months. Only after I'm able to settle and get into a routine here will I be able to truly evaluate my new life situation. As of now, all I feel is exhaustion, loneliness, and regret. My attempt to start over has left me rehashing the past, making it seem impossible to move forward. Rather, I've felt that each day I've been here has been Groundhog's Day and ultimately, a waste of my life. I know it will take time to be sure, but maybe I wasn't ready. Maybe this isn't my place. Maybe I should have listened to what I didn't know was my 'gut' before it was too late.

After struggling here for a couple of months, I knew a trip back home to Seattle would be a relief. I spent a long Labor Day weekend with family and friends. I had the honor of being a part of one of my very best friends' wedding day. I was surrounded by good people and great friends. It was a fun-filled wedding weekend and I had a great time. When I wasn't enjoying the wedding events, I was with my family. I missed them and it felt better than ever to spend every second I could with them. The weekend reminded me of all the things I want for my life and what kind of life I want to be a part of. It reiterated what I'm ready for and why I need my heart to heal so that it can be ready too. Needless to say, it was an emotional trip home.

Filled with confusion as to where I want to be, I will give San Diego the time I think is necessary before reevaluating the place I want to be. It may be Denver and it my be Seattle. I may be ready to move back home and surround myself with family or may want to move back to Denver and surround myself with the wonderful friends I made. I may actually get comfortable here, but regardless of the outcome, for now I'll hope the tears stop falling as frequently.

Success

Authenticity

I'm absolutely in love right now! I'm in love with my freedom to intensify my commitment to rigorous authenticity. It's not that I haven't been extremely motivated in the past to prove I am who I say I am, but at this point I'm just rolling with the punches and realizing that I'm changing each day. I'm changing faster than I ever have and most of the time, I don't actually know for certain who I am or even think it's necessary to label myself.

I know in my heart what I value in life and I know in my soul what I long for to fulfill my life's desires. I will choose to walk the straight and narrow as I can best interpret what that is. I've realized that it's all any of us can do. We can merely choose to be true to ourselves and what we want because we can't control anything else. I believe with all my heart that we get in life what we have the courage to ask for. Asking requires authenticity.

There have been times where I've really truly believed I knew who I was and I wasn't allowing those things about myself to evolve. I've realized that now that those times are over and no longer necessary in this phase, I need to grow into who I want to be. That requires inevitable change. All of which, I find extremely exciting. My current state allows me to voice who I am each and every random moment without fear of being judged or hurt. Withholding such things or convincing myself of anything else harbors superficial relationships with others and, most importantly, myself.

I'm going to say what I want, as ridiculous as any sentence may be. No hiding. No excuses. I'm just figuring things out as I go. I haven't had the freedom to make decisions solely based on my own desires for quite some time. I'm doing my best to embrace this time because I know that these decisions will allow me to be authentic and get to know ME.

I'm stronger than I ever knew.

A mighty wind blew night and day
It stole the oak tree's leaves away,
Then snapped its boughs and pulled its bark
Until the oak was tired and stark.
But still the oak tree held its ground
While other trees fell all around.
The weary wind gave up and spoke,
"How can you still be standing, Oak?"
The oak tree said, "I know that you
Can break each branch of mine in two
Carry every leaf away,
Shake my limbs, and make me sway.
But I have roots stretched in the earth,
Growing stronger since my birth.
You'll never touch them, for you see,
They are the deepest part of me.
Until today, I wasn't sure
Of how much I could endure
But now I've found, with thanks to you,

I'm stronger than I ever knew.

Transition - The truth has set me free.

Since my last post, a tremendous amount of change has ripped through my life. This last year's been a crazy ride and while it's been terribly confusing for me up until now, I'm relieved that it's over. These last two months have brought a great amount of clarity as a result of a couple more painful trials. I am finally realizing that the pain I've felt has been necessary for me to grow and learn.

Certain truths have come to the surface to show themselves and being a big picture person, I took a step back and tried to look at everything from the outside. The result was the realization that these most recent falls were opportunities for me. My choice was either to let everything further defeat me or to use the situations as opportunities to move forward. It became clear that the truth really did set me free. I never understood that saying until the moment when I learned the truth. I was no longer burdened and stifled with confusion and doubt. I felt like I was being given validation and a new beginning without the negativity. I realized that I had been given an opportunity to remove myself from that negativity that had been plaguing me. I took that leap.

Now I'm looking forward. Obviously in the forefront of my mind is the mountain of hurt I have to come to terms with. While I'm confident I've removed myself from the path of additional hurt, I still have to get over this mountain. This is something I'm working through on a daily basis, but with a newfound appreciation and motivation. I've been surrounding myself with loved ones who have proven to be on my team and appreciate me. I've been focusing on goals, training for a half marathon and taking online classes. The most significant factor in my journey forward is my fast-coming move to San Diego. I'm doing something for myself and making decision based solely on what I want. I am moving toward a fresh start with no strings attached. I'm entering the biggest transition I've faced and I'm entering it feeling completely free. I'm exercising my power to choose and I choose freedom.

I obviously wish I could just say what I mean because it's really hard to explain how I feel without explaining exactly why. It's hard to say what I have to say without actually saying it, so sorry if this is vague and confusing.

Destiny

des-ti-ny (noun): a predetermined course of events often held to an irresistible power or agency

If that's the definition of the word, how is it that we can have the maximum power to shape our own destiny? If a course of events is predetermined, how can we have any control?

I never really understood that theory that assumes 'everything happens for a reason' or 'what is meant to be will be'. In my dreamworld, I'd really like to believe that those things are true, but part of me feels like that's a cop out that people like to flock to when they can't face disappointment. I wonder what I need to be so strong for if so many of my experiences are supposed to make me stronger. Should I be scared that I'll need that strength for something even bigger to come? I don't like the sound of that.

Anyway...My fear is that if we can shape our own destiny, a decision I make will steer me away from my destiny or take me on a detour of wasted time. Then again, those who believe that everything happens for a reason would say that the detour was all part of the plan. It was a path that led me to my destiny or something that needed to happen in order to shape me into who I am supposed to be, whoever that is. Maybe all of this is easier for those who are religious because somehow they were granted the ability to have faith in something they'll never really understand.

I wonder if this life right now is my destiny. Ok I'm only in my mid-twenties, so what could I really know about my destiny at this point right? I'd really like to know when the rest of my life will start though. I wonder if my destiny is that the rest of my life isn't supposed to work that way. My life's not supposed to start in the typical sense, but may have many starts and finishes before my dying day. Some people live in the same place, marry, have children, and live in the same house doing the same job for most of their lives. Maybe my life's not supposed to work that way or at least that's how it's starting to look. Maybe my life's a collection of short stories or mini sagas rather than a novel. If that's my destiny, maybe I shouldn't feel as disappointed as I do, but should just suck it up and go with it. I obviously can't control anything external, so I may just want to focus my thoughts on this destiny theory. If it really is irresistible, I probably shouldn't waste the energy trying to fight back anyway.

That brings me back to my first question. How can we shape our own destiny? Our choice of paths to take through life seem to be just that: our choices. If they're determined by us, what does that have to do with destiny? Apparently, I'm confused and very intrigued. I'll just hope this destiny theory is true and that things really do happen for a reason and that what is meant to be will, in fact, be. If that's true, obviously following your heart is the best life strategy. If destiny's predetermined, it must be driven by emotion. There must be a feeling you get that triggers a decision. If you fight the feeling, I would think you fight your destiny. Maybe that's why people often end up with the wrong people; they are stubborn. So our power to shape our destiny might just be granted by the emotion we can never really understand, but should just act on.

Maybe the moral of the destiny story is to follow your heart. Emotion has to be life's way of telling us something. It's something we can't explain, so it must be the answer. Our destiny is given to us through emotion and our power to shape our destiny lies in our power to make decisions based on the emotion we feel. Now if only following your heart were that easy...

Do you like how I just blogged my way to my answer?

Life's Treasures

"More than a few fairy tales feature the theme of characters who accidentally find a treasure. They’re not searching for treasure, don’t feel worthy of it, and aren’t fully prepared for it. They may initially not even know what they’re looking at, and see it as preposterous or abnormal or disquieting. Who could blame them if they ran away from the treasure? In order to recognize and claim it, they might have to shed a number of their assumptions about the way the world works. And they might have to clear up a discrepancy between their unconscious longings and their conscious intentions."

Being someone driven by emotions and the heart, I immediately interpret the treasure as people and love. I interpret that treasure as people with something special to give us which should be, as a result, treasured. It seems that, just as the above states, that treasure comes along when we aren't searching for it. We may have plans of our own and a vision of how we'll live our lives. We may feel defeated in a lot of ways...our experiences having left us feeling jaded and pessimistic. Regardless, it seems that little gems get placed in our paths and those gems represent something of great value.

These treasures, big or small, change our perception of life. If we can shed our assumptions and swallow our pride, we can embrace the gems that offer something special. Just as the above states, there are often discrepancies between our unconscious longings and our conscious intentions. One of my assumptions about how the world works is that we hide behind these conscious intentions too often. We develop some idea of how to live that will hopefully protect us and serve our selfish purposes. Those conscious intentions are set into place ignoring the subconscious longings we know are deep inside of us. Some of us are scared of those longings because they involve risk that could bring hurt. Unfortunately, many of us are scared of those longings not because of a fear of hurt, but the opinions of other people. However, in order to claim the treasures life drops around us, we have to shed those assumptions of how the world works and explore our subconscious longings.

Treasures can teach us. They can teach us about ourselves and about our lives. They can teach us about humanity as well as humility. That may be their contribution to our journeys. They can also provide something even greater and long-lasting. They may be a treasure to keep close to our hearts throughout our journeys. What I do know is that we'll never know their worth if we don't let our guards down to claim the treasures as our own. We may pass by our most valuable discoveries.

"Never take a person for granted. Hold every person close to your heart because you might wake up one day and realize that you've lost a diamond while you were too busy collecting stones."

Vast Possibilities

I'm starting to think this may be a weekly staple of my blog. That is, as long as these horoscopes that are so geniusly interpreted are also as palpably applicable and inspiring as they have been in recent weeks. So again, thank you Rob Brezny of The Boulder Weekly for giving me yet another amazing horoscope to contemplate for this week of February 18, 2010.

"“Jane Austen was the spinster daughter of a clergyman who led an uneventful life,” wrote Geoffrey Wheatcroft in The Guardian. “She just happened to write half a dozen flawless masterpieces, which came perfectly formed, not from experience but from imagination.” Most of us don’t have anything close to the inconceivably potent imagination that Austen possessed. But I believe 2010 will be a year when you can access at least a portion of that wondrous capacity. You’ll be able to fantasize about vast possibilities in exquisite detail. You will have great skill at smashing your way free of limiting expectations through the power of your expansive vision. And the coming weeks will be a time when it should all kick into high gear."

Well said! I don't believe I'll find it too difficult to dive back into my imagination again. I can sense it's coming back to me. My capacity to fantasize about all sorts of possibilities is especially intense. So here's to the coming weeks! I can tell they're going to be good ones!

(I'll ignore the mention of Jane Austen being a 'spinster' who never married.)

"Ever Thine, Ever Mine, Ever Ours"

In recognition of the holiday that celebrates love and compassion, the dreamer in my heart wants to share some beautiful expressions of love and compassion. Rather than believing that Valentine's Day is a day for couples to say "I love you" in a commercial way, I feel that it's a day for all to recognize and be aware of love as the most powerful feeling there is. Recognize the emotions related to affection, attachment, interpersonal attraction, and a deep feeling of tenderly caring for another person. Be aware of romantic love as well as platonic and familial love.

"There is no remedy for love but to love more." Henry David Thoreau

I am a deep and emotional thinker who dreams of great love. Naturally, I fear the pain of repeated heartbreak, but I do believe in love at all costs even if the cost is the pain required to learn and gain strength. I don't believe in a life without the desire to feel and express love. We can't control our emotions and the things life brings our way. Choosing not to embrace those emotions and gifts is a disservice to ourselves and others. Life is about relationships and interaction. Don't let fear keep you from loving. Be free to love. Give in to love.

Coldplay "Parachutes"

In a haze, a stormy haze

I'll be 'round, I'll be loving you always

Always

Here I am and I'll take my time

Here I am and I'll wait in line

Always, always

Napoleon Bonaparte to Josephine De Beauharnais - Paris - December 1795:

I wake filled with thoughts of you. Your portrait and the intoxicating evening which we spent yesterday have left my senses in turmoil.

Sweet incomparable Josephine, what a strange effect you have on my heart!
Are you angry?
Do I see you looking sad? Are you worried? ...
My soul aches with sorrow, and there can be no rest for your lover; but is there still more in store for me when, yielding to the profound feelings which overwhelm me, I draw from your lips, from your heart a love which consumes me with fire? Ah! it was last night that I fully realized how false an image of you your portrait gives!

You are leaving at noon; I shall see you in three hours. Until then, mio dolce amor, a thousand kisses; but give me none in return, for they set my blood on fire.
Bonaparte

Neil Young "Like A Hurricane"

You are like a hurricane

There's a calm in your eye

And I'm getting blown away

To somewhere safer

Where the feeling stays

I want to love you

but I'm getting blown away.

I am just a dreamer

but you are just a dream.

Mark Twain to his future wife, Olivia Langdon - May 12, 1869:

Out of the depths of my happy heart wells a great tide of love and prayer for this priceless treasure that is confided to my life-long keeping.

You cannot see its intangible waves as they flow towards you, darling, but in these lines you will hear, as it were, the distant beating of the surf.

Persian icon of passion and love over seven centuries ago, wrote:

The children of Adam are limbs of one body

Having been created of one essence.

When the calamity of time afflicts one limb

The other limbs cannot remain at rest.

If you have no sympathy for the troubles of others

You are not worthy to be called by the name of "man."

"Love is a condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own"

Robert A. Heinlein

John Keats to Fanny Brawne - March 1820:

I cannot exist without you - I am forgetful of every thing but seeing you again - my life seems to stop there - I see no further. You have absorb'd me. I have a sensation at the present moment as though I were dissolving

....I have been astonished that men could die martyrs for religion - I have shudder'd at it - I shudder no more - I could bemartyr'd for my religion - love is my religion - I could die for that - I could die for you. My creed is love and you are its only tenet - you have ravish'd me away by a power I cannot resist.

Psychologist Robert Sternberg's trianglular theory of love argues three components: intimacy, commitment, and passion. Intimacy is the sharing of confidences and details of personal lives and is shown in friendships and romantic love. Commitment is the expectation that the relationship is permanet. Passion and sexual attraction are shown in romantic love as well as infatuation.

Ronald Reagan to Nancy Reagan - Aboard Air Force One - March 4, 1983:

Dear First Lady

I know tradition has it that on this morning I place cards Happy Anniversary cards on your breakfast tray. But things are somewhat mixed up. I substituted a gift & delivered it a few weeks ago.

Still this is the day, the day that marks 31 years of such happiness as comes to few men. I told you once that it was like an adolescent's dream of what marriage should be like. That hasn't changed.

You know I love the ranch but these last two days made it plain I only love it when you are there. Come to think of it that's true of every place & every time. When you aren't there I'm no place, just lost in time & space.

I more than love you, I'm not whole without you. You are life itself to me. When you are gone I'm waiting for you to return so I can start living again.

Happy Anniversary & thank you for 31 wonderful years.

I love you
Your Grateful Husband

I really do believe love can conquer all. I believe it can and should conquer your 'self'. Afterall, why are we here if not to love each other and bring happiness to one another? So on this Valentine's Day, rather than focusing on the loneliness that is often brought to light during the commercial celebration of relationships, focus on the possibility of great love. Focus on the love you do feel for whomever and appreciate the love and compassion that is felt for you by whomever. First, always love yourself.

"divine the secret self of another"

Week of February 11, 2010

CANCER: Happy Valentine Daze, Cancerian! After meditating about what advice would be most valuable for your love life in the coming months, I decided on this challenge from poet William Butler Yeats: “True love is a discipline in which each divines the secret self of the other and refuses to believe in the mere daily self.” In other words, create in your imagination a detailed picture of your loved ones at their best. Each day, make it a point to feel joy and gratitude for their most excellent beauty and power — as well as the beauty and power that are still ripening and will one day appear in full bloom.

Such a positive and hopeful way to love another: focusing on their potential. I truly believe in this because my heart views everything through rose colored glasses.

Love what the other person can't see in themselves. Love them for the person they don't even know they are.

ONLY THE CONCEALED WORD IS DANGEROUS

"Some people will not tolerate such emotional honesty in communication. They would rather defend their dishonesty on the grounds that it might hurt others. Therefore, having rationalized their phoniness into nobility, they settle for superficial relationships."

"Dare to be true: nothing can need a lie: A fault, which needs it most, grows two thereby." George Herbert

"The cruelest lies are often told in silence." Adlai Stevenson

"The truth is the only thing worth having, and, in a civilized life, like ours, where so many risks are removed, facing it is almost the only courageous thing left to do." E.V. Lucas

We choose to say or don't say, show or don't show, do or don't do for our own reasons, which are typically self-serving. Out of fear, shame, pride, and simply self-preservation, we hold it in. I, myself, have become more introverted during this last year than I've ever been. I am not proud to admit that, but I'm just being honest with myself and the rest of the cyber world. Being emotionally open and often times brutally honest has always come easy to me. It's been my relief and therapy in a lot of ways. Being introverted is not in my character nor do I want it to be, but there's something that has kept me from expressing myself as I know I should. Change needs to be made here because every relationship is at stake when words and feelings go unshared.

My theory on trust is that trust can only be built through open communication. Offering information without being asked is the most effective way to build my trust, for instance. I'm sure every person is different, so I don't want to generalize it, but building trust takes a certain openness. Sharing thoughts and feelings and histories and dreams and whatever else is on your mind shows you want to be trusted. I know that some people are more open than others, but when building trust, I can't think of anything better or more effective than honesty.

Honesty to me is leaving nothing unsaid. Naturally, things will go unsaid or unshared, but it shouldn't be an intentional act. We often have a misconception that choosing not to do/say something is not an action at all. I disagree. Making a choice not to do/say is just that - a choice. It's a decision we make, whether in the forefront of our conscious or not. I don't believe in the theory that keeping something from a person protects them from the truth. Honesty is liberation. It liberates each of us from the burden that we carry and it liberates the unknowing allowing them to make decisions based on the facts. We can only make decisions using the information we are presented with. Therefore, present away because I'd like to make knowledgeable decisions. Wouldn't you?

Unspoken words create doubt, uncertainty, distrust, and hesitation. We all owe it to ourselves to self-preserve, but we also owe it to each other to be honest. What are we here for if not to make things a little easier for each other?

"The key is to get to know people and trust them to be who they are. Instead, we trust people to be who we want them to be and when they're not, we cry."

"A half truth is a whole lie." Yiddish Proverb

"We tell lies when we are afraid... afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us. But every time we tell a lie, the thing that we fear grows stronger." Tad Williams

"There is no pillow so soft as a clear conscience." French Proverb

An Ode to R. Kelly

All jokes aside, the man has been extremely successful and I do own probably 90% or more of his songs. He's had some great songs, which I belt out while showering during one of my "I think I'll go with R. Kelly" days. All that being said, some of his lyrics are so ridiculous that I have to point them out. I'm sure everybody's aware of them, but I'm going to list some of them to make them more obvious. I wonder if he knows how silly they are. I wonder if he did it on purpose knowing millions would be singing his songs out loud including some of the silliest things I've ever heard. I wonder if he laughs. Then again, after "Trapped in the Closet", maybe he's been dead serious all along. That should make us laugh. Here goes...

Feelin On Ya Booty

~ The title should make us laugh in and of itself

~ "your hair weave's lookin kinda pretty" -- if it's only kinda pretty R, walk away

All I Really Want

~ "to whom it may concern" -- is he writing a letter?

~ "hold your pillow tight cause I wanna do it again" -- is he warning me? sounds scary

Bump n' Grind

~ "i don't see nothin wrong with a lil bump n' grind" -- you not having a problem with it isn't a very convincing argument for having sex with you. fyi.

Dancing With A Rich Man

~ Again with the title, dude...

~ "passionate love with you, hearing you "oui oui"" -- apparently you have to speak french to dance with a rich man

Don't Put Me Out

~ "I'm tired of banging on this door. The neighbors say I'm loud" -- take a hint

Don't You Say No

~ or what? -- also, this song has way too many to list...like the whole song.

~ "Who's gonna front the bill? Me" -- so I guess I can't say no because you bought my cheesecake

~ "Now it's time to please me" -- he's getting a bit scary, don't you think?

~ "Who gon' be that thug? Me" -- well, in that case...

~ "I ain't tryin' to spend no cash if you ain't spendin' that ass. No." -- now you're just getting fiesty, R

Down Low Double Life

~ "1, 2, equals us" -- great way to start the song. mini math lessons from R.

~ "woke me up pourin' hot grits and all kinda shit on me" -- those are some crazy broads you got mixed up with, R

Etcetera

~ "Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo" -- this verse is missing the "etc" at the end

~ "Put on some clothes and let's go to the IHOP, baby" -- you really know what turns me on, R

~ "No matter how good the food may taste, I'm still thinking about your body" -- is that why you want me to eat all this syrup?

Fiesta

~ "Got Friday on a DVD. She's a baller and I'm a baller. Wha What?" -- Damn you got a DVD?! I wish i could be a baller like that

Get Up On A Room

~ "throw your underwear on the wall" -- is he hoping they stick? eeww.

~ "no room service baby cause you gon be the feast" -- rawr

Ghetto Queen

~ "nothin in your oven. baby feed me now" -- do it girl. don't test him. he's about to spank the hell out of you and make you tell him whose it is.

The Greatest Sex

~ "inside of your walls there will dwell a Capricorn (who will feast your body all night)" -- uuuuhh that doesn't sound appealing. just sayin.

Half on a Baby

~ "like a hotel room, i'm checkin into you"

~ "i'm diggin like a shovel, all the things you do"

~ "like a baseball field, wanna hit a home run" -- all this metaphorical genius!

~ "from my toes up to my knee caps" -- oh good...those knee caps really get me goin...

I Like The Crotch On You

~ enough said?

~ "tell me who's your man. we will have a talk with him." -- I'm sure that'll go well.

Ignition

~ "please let me put my key in your ignition baby" -- I think your key is to a different car.

~ Again, this is another one where the whole song applies.

Just Like That

~ "like a favorite scene in a big movie" -- wow, i'm impressed now.

~ "like kissing you in an all white tux" -- you like the ladies in white tuxes huh? you're a freak R

~ "like lost inside of a mascarade" -- is that a good thing?

One Me

~ "I'm gonna take your hand, let you feel these ribs" -- you'll let me feel your rib bones? yay! I must be real special.

~ "I'm a winner in bed" -- do you have a trophy case? some medals? a certificate?

R&B Thug

~ "I'll make you say toot toot, beep beep" -- please don't

Sex Weed

~ "sex give me the munchies and now I wanna eat it up" -- no snacks in the bed

~ "it's like a dime bag of dro" -- that's all?? not impressed.

Slow Wind

~ "let's get together and mix cultures" -- baaahahahaha

Strip For You

~ "Tonight I'm gonna pull a switcheroo" -- that sounds sexy

~ "Now I'm gon' stop and get some gas my baby" -- thanks for letting me know

I could obviously go on forever, but that would require me to list nearly every song in which R. Kelly displays his lyrical genius. I do love him and I enjoy grooving to his songs from time to time, but he definitely comes off as a predator at times. Sorry R, but it's true. I'd also have to say that his advice isn't always the best to follow. I don't think shaking it until it breaks is a good idea. I still love you dude. So, I will leave you with an example of his art.

Astrology...who would have thought?

First and foremost, I am in love with the writer of the horoscopes for the Boulder Weekly. The incorporation of poems, books, movies, etc. into advice for future behavior based on the relative position of planets and the signs in the zodiac? How could you not appreciate that?

CANCER for the week of February 4, 2010:
"I wonder if you can you handle this much healing intensity, Cancerian. The possibilities for transforming difficult parts of your life are substantial. I’ll name a few ways this could play out: 1. A confusing riddle may be partially solved through a semi-divine intervention. 2. A sore spot could be soothed thanks to the power of your curiosity. 3. An ignorance that has caused you pain may be illuminated, allowing you to suffer less. 4. If you can summon the capacity to generously tolerate uncertainty, you may find and rehabilitate an orphaned part of your life. I’m not saying for sure that any of this stuff will happen, but the odds are favorable that at least one will."

Again, Rob Brezsny, you are genius or a psychic or a really good reader of astrological diagrams. I thank you for your expertise. It would be creepy to date you because you'd know more about my life than I do, but I will enjoy what you have to say on a weekly basis.

Confusing riddles, sore spots, ignorance and suffering....wow. The thing that really grabs ahold of me and shakes me is my lack of "capacity to generously tolerate uncertainty". That's the one I want to "happen". Please Rob...please let me have #4. Tell the crab in the stars that Jasmine Layton really needs to learn how to tolerate uncertainty if anything at all. Send me to rehab for my incapacity. I'm ready. I'll check myself in. There's no need to stage an intervention or fly me to Utah. I know I need to come to terms with the uncertainty I'm terrified of and work to get over that fear.

Uncertainty has caused an enormous amount of angst in my young life. I admit that I do struggle with doubt as part of my uncertainty, but I think the most prominent thing is all that I don't know. Everything I don't know including what others are thinking or feeling honestly kills me. In recent years, my lack of information drove me up the wall. Right now, though, it's my uncertain future. The freedom, which is also a burden if you ask me, to make decisions for yourself by yourself is often thought of in a positive way. I'm finding it to be much more difficult and cumbersome than liberating and exciting. Again, I'm an over-analyzer, so when I have to make significant decisions for my future completely on my own, it's quite the back and forth, yes then no, figure out all the possible outcomes type of process. I'm sure getting used to having no set-in-stone plans/possibilities for the future will happen eventually and I'll move through life and take what comes and run with it. I'm working on it. First, I need to learn how to "tolerate uncertainty". I don't have to love it and I know I never will, but I'm going to do my best to tolerate it.

Bring on the "healing intensity" stars! I don't want to orphan any more parts of my life. That just sounds wrong.

Why do I want you to know how I feel?

"You can't shake hands with a clenched fist."

- Indira Gandhi

India's only female prime minister (assassinated in 1984)

DON'T MISTAKE UNIQUENESS FOR WEAKNESS

"Never take a person for granted. Hold every person close to your heart because you might wake up one day and realize that you've lost a diamond while you were too busy collecting stones."

I really don't think any of us truly know who we are as individuals, but that's the beauty of being human. We aren't supposed to really know for sure. The only thing we can be sure of is that we change and we do it every day. Each experience molds us in a different direction and forms who we are as individuals. What I am sure of is that being true to who we know we are and who we want to be is a highly commendable quality. None of us are perfect, but we should strive to be the type of people we want to be based on what we've learned from our own experiences as well as those of others.

"Friendship with oneself is all-important because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world."

- Eleanor Roosevelt

It takes courage to be an individual in our world - to have independent thoughts and morals. It takes more strength to stand up for the good in you then to give in to the bad influences around you. It takes courage to realize that sometimes being alone is better for you than succumbing to the desperation of having friends. That desperation often makes people oblivious to the situation they put themselves in. I think only those of us who are true individuals can remove ourselves from a situation and view it with the perspective of a perched bird. Only then can you perceive the relationships you have for what they truly are. Only then can you reflect on your actions and those of others so as to make decisions in the future that are best for you and only you.

"Associate yourself with men of good quality if you esteem your own reputation; for 'tis better to be alone than in bad company."

- George Washington (1732 - 1799) US Statesman

I think too often we hold on to relationships because of the history or convenience. I say that being away from home is hard at times, but it has been a palpable blessing. Removing myself from my comfort zone full of friends I've had forever has given me an amazing perspective on all of the relationships in my life. Throughout the years and through the moves, it gets easier and easier to know right away who I want in my life. I don't believe in making friends and spending time with people you don't truly care about or who don't truly care about you. I don't believe in holding onto relationships without mutual respect and appreciation. Being friends with people just because you've been friends for so long or just because there isn't anybody else around doesn't make sense to me anymore. I am proud to say that I love and respect the friends I choose to have. Each is extremely different from the next when it comes to career, beliefs, family, habits, dreams, etc., but they all have their own identities and that is respectable. They have their own identities and don't expect me to change into them or vice versa. They respect me for who I am.

"My best friend is the one who brings out the best in me."

- Henry Ford

Throughout my moves around, I have developed amazing relationships with people and I've learned a great amount about who I am and who I want to be. I've learned that rather then staying quiet and adapting to those around me, it's easier and more beneficial to open my mouth and say what I think and tell them what I'm about. If they like me, I know they like me for who I really am. If they don't, it doesn't matter to me one bit. There are too many people in this world to worry about one or two people disagreeing with the way I am. I appreciate the friends I've made. I appreciate them for loving me for who I am, for the stupid things I say, for the mistakes I make, for my imperfections, and mostly for our differences. No two people are that much alike and if it seems that they are, they aren't individuals and most likely don't truly know each other.

"Your friend is the man who knows all about you, and still likes you."

- Elbert Hubard

I've always said that I think it takes more strength to say how you feel than to hold it in. If you don't, you'll never know who you are and neither will those you claim to have relationships with. A foundation based on superficial things is no foundation at all. Do what you love. Explore who you are so you know how you feel and never hide those feelings from anyone. True friendship is founded on a mutual respect for individual thoughts and opinions. If you aren't being honest, you aren't being a friend. I have the most respect for those who do things because they love what they do, not because it's the popular thing to do. Being a follower is nothing to be proud of.

"A friend to all is a friend to none."

- Aristotle

Thank you to all of my wonderful friends who are so different in every single way. Keep being you. That's why I love you. Thank you for loving me.

"Never shall I forget the days I spent with you. Continue to be my friend, as you will always find me yours."

- Ludwig van Beethoven

I'm coming out of hibernation.

Alright alright...I'm getting sick of my own Negative Nancy ass. I know that I am constantly over-analyzing every situation and second-guessing most every decision I make as a result. I go over each possible scenario and outcome in my mind numerous times leading me to the worst possible result, which for some reason always seems more likely than the alternative. It's more than obvious to me and everyone around me that my way of thinking can get me into a lot of trouble. In my defense, I'm no fool and I'm not oblivious. At times I choose to ignore my logic and at other times, I choose to ignore my emotions. I'm really tired of my logic and emotions disagreeing. It's about time I held a mediation session between the two so we can all be friends again.

Using my Mom's description of my blog, I'm very poignant. This is true as what I've been spewing from my mind has been, to her and I at least, profoundly moving, sharply perceptive, and acutely painful. I'm not going to sugarcoat anything or mask my roller coaster of emotions, but I'm about sick of the acutely painful part of things. As indecisive as I am, I'm deciding to be happy. Being happy to me means being happy about my decisions and deciding to do things that make me happy. If that means sitting in my sweats, drinking with my girlfriend all day Saturday rather than doing laundry or going to the gym, so be it. My happiness has been at stake for what seems like an eternity. I'm going forward with the profoundly moving and sharply perceptive side of things....not that I really think anything I say is all that moving.

So what will I write about if I'm not closed off in a bear cave hibernating through the depression? Stupid things. Simple things. Shallow things. I don't know. Maybe I'll post lists. Maybe I'll be a critic of all things. Maybe I'll just spit out all of my thoughts that I don't have anyone to share with. Of course, I'll have good days and bad days and I'll have to share my thoughts on either day. As evidenced in this blog of mine, I'm not above pouring out my most buried emotions as sad as they may be at times. I'm just an awkwardly single girl with a ton on my mind. I don't have a family and kids to post stories about and share pictures of. I'm just plain lil' me.

I'm just going to be true to myself from now on. That's simple enough, right? Everything else will fall into place. I think I'm actually starting to believe that, oddly enough. Just like one of my magnets says:


This has been happening to me here and there, but my dumb ass has chosen to ignore it rather than embrace it. I'm pretty tired of my bear cave of emotions. I'm ready to be happy and I believe it's starting to happen so I'm just going to let it. Trying so hard has only taken away from my enjoyment of the little things in life. I fucking love those little things, so I need to get it together. I've gone against my grain for far too long. Maybe that's been the problem. Today was a good day and so was yesterday and the day before that and the day before that. I can't complain. I'm just going to ride this one out - out of hibernation.

Movies get me thinking. Thinking simply.

On New Year's Day, Lifetime was having a Jennifer Aniston marathon. I didn't realize the variety of roles she's played until I saw the movie lineup for the day. I did a lot of channel surfing throughout the day as my entire body was glued to my couch, so I saw bits and pieces of most of the flicks. The one I did watch entirely was "The Good Girl". Seen it? She plays a 30 year-old unhappily married employee of Bargain Barn and even sports a southern accent. Her stoner husband doesn't "get" her and she's unhappy with every aspect of her life from her job to her inability to conceive. Her unhappiness drives her to accept the attention of a coworker and start an affair with him, which only left her assured that she wanted to stay in her marriage regardless of her dissatisfaction. Her husband learns about the affair and immediately accepts what's happened and moves forward working on his marriage. Throughout the movie she gives a lot of narration about her life and some of what she said really hit home for me. Maybe I'm just too dark and twisty for my own good these days or maybe I'm just dark and twisty. Plain and simple. I'm learning lessons though and I'm looking forward to applying them.

"As a girl, you see the world as a giant candy store filled with sweet candy and such. But one day, you look around and see you're in a prison and you're on death row. You wanna run or scream or cry, but something's locking you up. Are the other folks cows, chewing cud till the hour comes and their heads roll? Or are they just keeping their quiet just like you, planning their escape?" Now that's something I can relate to. Obviously, I'm not keeping my quiet but I am realizing that I feel like I'm in a prison right now and I do want to run or scream and I do cry, but I'm locked up. Locked in my lonely apartment with the blinds closed ignoring the fabulousness of the world outside. Locked in a demanding career without motivation, curious about what might make me happy between 8 and 5. I need to be saved, by something, by someone, by myself, by anything. I don't want to "go to the grave with unlived life in my veins".

"Sometimes I think to myself, at least it can't get worse, but it can. A blind man can go deaf. A widow can lose her children." How true is this? It gives me a different perspective. It could be worse. It can always be worse than it is. For me, things have gotten worse after I thought they couldn't. While I feel broken, I have my youth, my health, my neglected career, and surprisingly enough...I have some hope for the future. I'm also hoping things start looking up sooner than later.

"The story of my current life is about a woman who was put upon. Whose job is a prison and whose life has lost meaning. Other people don't get her, especially the man she loved." Dark and twisty, but the way I feel a lot of the time. I don't even get myself anymore. I need to figure out a way for that to change - A concious effort to befriend myself and reach for possibilities.

So here I am in the "sad ruin that is my life", watching deeply sad movies and contemplating a purpose. "How it all came down to this, only the devil knows." We're here and then we die. I do know a few things, though. I want to live, love, and learn. What I've learned most recently is that I want to live simply and simply love. I've exhausted my patience for and my will to be complicated. I want a simple life with a simple job, simple needs, and most of all, I want to love simply. Nobody's close to perfect and those kind of expectations cause inevitable disappointment. I think loving simply means looking passed and working through imperfections for the sake of the bottom line: love. That's the only way to feel comfortable and safe in a relationship. Always just appreciating and loving. Simply happy. That's what I want. Plain and simple.