Alright alright...I'm getting sick of my own Negative Nancy ass. I know that I am constantly over-analyzing every situation and second-guessing most every decision I make as a result. I go over each possible scenario and outcome in my mind numerous times leading me to the worst possible result, which for some reason always seems more likely than the alternative. It's more than obvious to me and everyone around me that my way of thinking can get me into a lot of trouble. In my defense, I'm no fool and I'm not oblivious. At times I choose to ignore my logic and at other times, I choose to ignore my emotions. I'm really tired of my logic and emotions disagreeing. It's about time I held a mediation session between the two so we can all be friends again.
Using my Mom's description of my blog, I'm very poignant. This is true as what I've been spewing from my mind has been, to her and I at least, profoundly moving, sharply perceptive, and acutely painful. I'm not going to sugarcoat anything or mask my roller coaster of emotions, but I'm about sick of the acutely painful part of things. As indecisive as I am, I'm deciding to be happy. Being happy to me means being happy about my decisions and deciding to do things that make me happy. If that means sitting in my sweats, drinking with my girlfriend all day Saturday rather than doing laundry or going to the gym, so be it. My happiness has been at stake for what seems like an eternity. I'm going forward with the profoundly moving and sharply perceptive side of things....not that I really think anything I say is all that moving.
So what will I write about if I'm not closed off in a bear cave hibernating through the depression? Stupid things. Simple things. Shallow things. I don't know. Maybe I'll post lists. Maybe I'll be a critic of all things. Maybe I'll just spit out all of my thoughts that I don't have anyone to share with. Of course, I'll have good days and bad days and I'll have to share my thoughts on either day. As evidenced in this blog of mine, I'm not above pouring out my most buried emotions as sad as they may be at times. I'm just an awkwardly single girl with a ton on my mind. I don't have a family and kids to post stories about and share pictures of. I'm just plain lil' me.
I'm just going to be true to myself from now on. That's simple enough, right? Everything else will fall into place. I think I'm actually starting to believe that, oddly enough. Just like one of my magnets says:
This has been happening to me here and there, but my dumb ass has chosen to ignore it rather than embrace it. I'm pretty tired of my bear cave of emotions. I'm ready to be happy and I believe it's starting to happen so I'm just going to let it. Trying so hard has only taken away from my enjoyment of the little things in life. I fucking love those little things, so I need to get it together. I've gone against my grain for far too long. Maybe that's been the problem. Today was a good day and so was yesterday and the day before that and the day before that. I can't complain. I'm just going to ride this one out - out of hibernation.
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