On New Year's Day, Lifetime was having a Jennifer Aniston marathon. I didn't realize the variety of roles she's played until I saw the movie lineup for the day. I did a lot of channel surfing throughout the day as my entire body was glued to my couch, so I saw bits and pieces of most of the flicks. The one I did watch entirely was "The Good Girl". Seen it? She plays a 30 year-old unhappily married employee of Bargain Barn and even sports a southern accent. Her stoner husband doesn't "get" her and she's unhappy with every aspect of her life from her job to her inability to conceive. Her unhappiness drives her to accept the attention of a coworker and start an affair with him, which only left her assured that she wanted to stay in her marriage regardless of her dissatisfaction. Her husband learns about the affair and immediately accepts what's happened and moves forward working on his marriage. Throughout the movie she gives a lot of narration about her life and some of what she said really hit home for me. Maybe I'm just too dark and twisty for my own good these days or maybe I'm just dark and twisty. Plain and simple. I'm learning lessons though and I'm looking forward to applying them.
"As a girl, you see the world as a giant candy store filled with sweet candy and such. But one day, you look around and see you're in a prison and you're on death row. You wanna run or scream or cry, but something's locking you up. Are the other folks cows, chewing cud till the hour comes and their heads roll? Or are they just keeping their quiet just like you, planning their escape?" Now that's something I can relate to. Obviously, I'm not keeping my quiet but I am realizing that I feel like I'm in a prison right now and I do want to run or scream and I do cry, but I'm locked up. Locked in my lonely apartment with the blinds closed ignoring the fabulousness of the world outside. Locked in a demanding career without motivation, curious about what might make me happy between 8 and 5. I need to be saved, by something, by someone, by myself, by anything. I don't want to "go to the grave with unlived life in my veins".
"Sometimes I think to myself, at least it can't get worse, but it can. A blind man can go deaf. A widow can lose her children." How true is this? It gives me a different perspective. It could be worse. It can always be worse than it is. For me, things have gotten worse after I thought they couldn't. While I feel broken, I have my youth, my health, my neglected career, and surprisingly enough...I have some hope for the future. I'm also hoping things start looking up sooner than later.
"The story of my current life is about a woman who was put upon. Whose job is a prison and whose life has lost meaning. Other people don't get her, especially the man she loved." Dark and twisty, but the way I feel a lot of the time. I don't even get myself anymore. I need to figure out a way for that to change - A concious effort to befriend myself and reach for possibilities.
So here I am in the "sad ruin that is my life", watching deeply sad movies and contemplating a purpose. "How it all came down to this, only the devil knows." We're here and then we die. I do know a few things, though. I want to live, love, and learn. What I've learned most recently is that I want to live simply and simply love. I've exhausted my patience for and my will to be complicated. I want a simple life with a simple job, simple needs, and most of all, I want to love simply. Nobody's close to perfect and those kind of expectations cause inevitable disappointment. I think loving simply means looking passed and working through imperfections for the sake of the bottom line: love. That's the only way to feel comfortable and safe in a relationship. Always just appreciating and loving. Simply happy. That's what I want. Plain and simple.
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