An Ode to R. Kelly

All jokes aside, the man has been extremely successful and I do own probably 90% or more of his songs. He's had some great songs, which I belt out while showering during one of my "I think I'll go with R. Kelly" days. All that being said, some of his lyrics are so ridiculous that I have to point them out. I'm sure everybody's aware of them, but I'm going to list some of them to make them more obvious. I wonder if he knows how silly they are. I wonder if he did it on purpose knowing millions would be singing his songs out loud including some of the silliest things I've ever heard. I wonder if he laughs. Then again, after "Trapped in the Closet", maybe he's been dead serious all along. That should make us laugh. Here goes...

Feelin On Ya Booty

~ The title should make us laugh in and of itself

~ "your hair weave's lookin kinda pretty" -- if it's only kinda pretty R, walk away

All I Really Want

~ "to whom it may concern" -- is he writing a letter?

~ "hold your pillow tight cause I wanna do it again" -- is he warning me? sounds scary

Bump n' Grind

~ "i don't see nothin wrong with a lil bump n' grind" -- you not having a problem with it isn't a very convincing argument for having sex with you. fyi.

Dancing With A Rich Man

~ Again with the title, dude...

~ "passionate love with you, hearing you "oui oui"" -- apparently you have to speak french to dance with a rich man

Don't Put Me Out

~ "I'm tired of banging on this door. The neighbors say I'm loud" -- take a hint

Don't You Say No

~ or what? -- also, this song has way too many to list...like the whole song.

~ "Who's gonna front the bill? Me" -- so I guess I can't say no because you bought my cheesecake

~ "Now it's time to please me" -- he's getting a bit scary, don't you think?

~ "Who gon' be that thug? Me" -- well, in that case...

~ "I ain't tryin' to spend no cash if you ain't spendin' that ass. No." -- now you're just getting fiesty, R

Down Low Double Life

~ "1, 2, equals us" -- great way to start the song. mini math lessons from R.

~ "woke me up pourin' hot grits and all kinda shit on me" -- those are some crazy broads you got mixed up with, R

Etcetera

~ "Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo" -- this verse is missing the "etc" at the end

~ "Put on some clothes and let's go to the IHOP, baby" -- you really know what turns me on, R

~ "No matter how good the food may taste, I'm still thinking about your body" -- is that why you want me to eat all this syrup?

Fiesta

~ "Got Friday on a DVD. She's a baller and I'm a baller. Wha What?" -- Damn you got a DVD?! I wish i could be a baller like that

Get Up On A Room

~ "throw your underwear on the wall" -- is he hoping they stick? eeww.

~ "no room service baby cause you gon be the feast" -- rawr

Ghetto Queen

~ "nothin in your oven. baby feed me now" -- do it girl. don't test him. he's about to spank the hell out of you and make you tell him whose it is.

The Greatest Sex

~ "inside of your walls there will dwell a Capricorn (who will feast your body all night)" -- uuuuhh that doesn't sound appealing. just sayin.

Half on a Baby

~ "like a hotel room, i'm checkin into you"

~ "i'm diggin like a shovel, all the things you do"

~ "like a baseball field, wanna hit a home run" -- all this metaphorical genius!

~ "from my toes up to my knee caps" -- oh good...those knee caps really get me goin...

I Like The Crotch On You

~ enough said?

~ "tell me who's your man. we will have a talk with him." -- I'm sure that'll go well.

Ignition

~ "please let me put my key in your ignition baby" -- I think your key is to a different car.

~ Again, this is another one where the whole song applies.

Just Like That

~ "like a favorite scene in a big movie" -- wow, i'm impressed now.

~ "like kissing you in an all white tux" -- you like the ladies in white tuxes huh? you're a freak R

~ "like lost inside of a mascarade" -- is that a good thing?

One Me

~ "I'm gonna take your hand, let you feel these ribs" -- you'll let me feel your rib bones? yay! I must be real special.

~ "I'm a winner in bed" -- do you have a trophy case? some medals? a certificate?

R&B Thug

~ "I'll make you say toot toot, beep beep" -- please don't

Sex Weed

~ "sex give me the munchies and now I wanna eat it up" -- no snacks in the bed

~ "it's like a dime bag of dro" -- that's all?? not impressed.

Slow Wind

~ "let's get together and mix cultures" -- baaahahahaha

Strip For You

~ "Tonight I'm gonna pull a switcheroo" -- that sounds sexy

~ "Now I'm gon' stop and get some gas my baby" -- thanks for letting me know

I could obviously go on forever, but that would require me to list nearly every song in which R. Kelly displays his lyrical genius. I do love him and I enjoy grooving to his songs from time to time, but he definitely comes off as a predator at times. Sorry R, but it's true. I'd also have to say that his advice isn't always the best to follow. I don't think shaking it until it breaks is a good idea. I still love you dude. So, I will leave you with an example of his art.