2011...Impression

Hmm...another year? Already? For starters, I'm not approaching 2011 begging it to be kind to me as I did with 2010. I think that may have jinxed me last year. Instead, I'm starting the year with motivation to accomplish my new goals. I still can't believe it's already 2011!! Where the hell does time go?!

I know it's February, which isn't exactly the very beginning of 2011, but I've been busy! I was lucky enough to ring in the new year in Seattle with family and friends. After not having spent the Holidays at home since 2005, I was desperate to get back and it was everything I'd imagined it to be. Promptly following a fun-filled new year's celebration, I rushed back to Denver to start the much dreaded "busy season". Thanks to some crazy Germans, my team worked so much the first two weeks of the year that we stayed in a hotel right down the street, cutting out on useless commute time. When I say busy, I am talking 105 hours from Monday morning through the following Sunday night. That is 105 of the 168 hours that exist in seven days. I had a great attitude about it until I was about 100 hours in, but we survived! Onto the next client...

Now it's February 3rd and I've been rejuvenated by a haircut, massage, girls' night out, lunch dates, a baby shower, and some much needed time at home on my couch with Brutus and my DVR. Currently, I'm waiting for my friend Samantha to have her baby (any minute now), still working long hours, and running every chance I get. Overly exciting, right? It'll do for now while Mother Nature gives us snow and freezing temperatures.

Onto this year's plans: kicking ass at work so I can make Manager in the Fall, running a full marathon, not moving, a lot of travelling around the states, starting a home buying fund, and turning 28 (yikes!). It's a short list, but those are this year's aspirations and happenings. The rest of life is just going to happen. That's another goal: letting life happen without feeling the need to make so many big decisions. I'm taking the path of least resistance in most aspects of life.

This year is going to be a big year for running. I'm running 21 miles at the Big Sur Int'l Marathon on May 1st. That gives me less than 3 months to be ready to run 21 miles! I've never run more than 13.1 and only ran that once last year, but I have a great friend running with me and I'm excited. I'm more motivated than ever, training after long days in the office, getting out in the 25 degree, dark cold or sometimes watching the sun rise. Good thing my Mom went all out for Christmas getting me new gear, including a headlamp. Now I'm one of those crazy people I used to see running at night beaming fluorescent light. I know 21 miles is a random distance, but it's just a beautiful way to train for a full marathon. I haven't decided on the locale of the full yet, but hope to run one in the Summer. I'm also planning on running a bunch of other races too, so let's hope for some personal bests this year.

Traveling to Big Sur is just one of the places I'm going this year. That weekend will be a nice long weekend of running and the Bay Area. Before that, I'm going to NYC in April for a fun girls' weekend. In May, after Big Sur, I'll enjoy another Memorial Day weekend in Vegas and a short trip up to Washington for my sister's college graduation! Yay! In August, I'll be going to my 10-year High School Reunion. I can't believe it's been 10 years, but I'm so excited to see so many people I've wanted to see while home, but never get the chance. It'll be a good reason for a lot of us to actually meet up! I'll be going to Vegas again in October for a Dirty 30 and definitely back home for the Holidays. Other than those planned trips, I'm going to be visiting San Diego a couple of times, going back to Washington a couple other times, and wherever the wind blows me. It'll be a fun year, but I have a lot of plane tickets to buy!

I'm letting off the pressure in every other aspect of life this year and just starting fresh without so much expectation. I'll be 28 on the 28th of June (Golden Jasmine Day) and although life isn't what I had pictured it to be at this stage, I'm enjoying the opportunity to truly grow into myself. I'm hoping this year will be about unlearning some of what I've become accustomed to, including disappointment. There is beauty in letting go. It's going to be an eventful year. So many of my close friends are bringing life into the world, my cousin's getting married (another trip to a locale yet to be determined), and loved ones will be struggling to get healthy. I plan to be there for each and every one of them.

Cheers to a drama-free, peaceful, and loving 2011!

Decisions, decisions...

I went from having no time to think to having too much time to think. I told myself that my unhappiness stemmed from being miserably busy. As things died down, I realized that wasn't entirely true. Sure, I was miserably busy but I was also miserable otherwise. It wasn't my sunny morning beach runs or the ridiculously cheap happy hours with friends. It wasn't warm days laying on a towel in the sand or the silhouettes of palm trees against the blue sky on distant hilltops. It was the loneliness and overwhelming pressure I felt when I opened up my Deloitte hp laptop. I didn't necessarily feel pressure from superiors, but from the loss of motivation and drive. My positive attitude toward my extremely demanding career had escaped me.

I had to reassure myself that I wasn't just focusing my doubts toward work and just missing the whole point of my unhappiness. I reached out and had buddy dinners, counselor lunches, and talked about the atmosphere of this location with colleagues. Based on what I was observing, I wasn't exactly surprised that many of them had similar opinions. Therefore, I sought the guidance of the superiors I trust (who just so happen to be in Denver). Regardless of any bias, I turned to who I trust - those who care for me and my future. After repeating my dilemma numerous times, I kept drawing the same conclusion. I made a call and confirmed my return to the Denver office.

I'm leaving the cons of negative working relationships, lack of drive, congestion, astronomical income tax, and the general nature of Never Never Land. Sadly though, I'm also leaving the pros of bodies of water, California burritos, mild/warm climate, beach runs, great friends, fun happy hours, and much more. While the lack of water and lengthy winters are cons of Denver, the Mile-High City is a stones throw away from the mountains and has over 300 days of sunshine a year. Colorado's full of extremely kindhearted people and unlimited outdoor activities. I have amazing relationships there including friendships and those of a working nature, not to mention my heart's most significant connection. The leadership in the Denver office motivates me to perform well and in return, I know they will help me accomplish my goals and explore my aspirations. Like I mentioned in my previous post, leaving Denver was difficult and now I know why. I took a lot of things for granted including those that brought me security and fulfillment. I followed my heart there in the first place and I left my heart there as I drove my life away. It has been my home and will continue to be just that...until further notice.

The sun has set on my experience here. With that, I say farewell to San Diego thankful for the time I did spend here. I have furthered my understanding of myself and what I truly value. I appreciate the friendships forged here and the lessons learned. Now I will say goodbye and leave the short time I spent here to my memories.

Another Summer Passes

As I sit in my 'new' apartment in San Diego for the first time since moving-in almost 2 weeks ago, I'm trying to reflect on the Summer that just passed. I'm struggling.

Since the beginning of June, I packed my life up and moved it from Denver to San Diego. I enjoyed every last second I got to spend in Colorado this summer , ran my first half marathon in Seattle over my 27th birthday weekend, and put my life in a moving truck. Leaving Colorado was much harder than I anticipated and I even had second thoughts. If I thought it were possible, I probably would have changed my mind and stayed in Denver. Instead, I kept telling myself that I needed a new start in a new place. Not allowing myself to go with gut, I convinced myself I didn't know any better and should follow through with my move to San Diego. I said goodbye and spent the 4th of July with my mom in Las Vegas where we parked the moving truck for the night. My generous and thoughtful friend let me stay with her while my life was packed up in a storage unit and I was searching for a new place to call home. I started working at the office here and was thrust into an intense audit right from the start. In the extremely small amount of time I had, I found a place to live. We issued the client's 10-K and I started to unpack. Unpacking came with intense emotions as pulling my life out of boxes and placing it on new shelves filled my with regret and a unwelcome permanence.

My new beginning in San Diego hasn't been easy and has me missing everything about Colorado. I had just settled into my life there and felt comfortable after almost a year of learning. I had good people around me and the great outdoors at my fingertips. As much as I tried to tell myself this move is what's best for me, I can't help but disagree now that I'm here. Again, I'm just able to sit down in my own space for the first time after 2 long months. Only after I'm able to settle and get into a routine here will I be able to truly evaluate my new life situation. As of now, all I feel is exhaustion, loneliness, and regret. My attempt to start over has left me rehashing the past, making it seem impossible to move forward. Rather, I've felt that each day I've been here has been Groundhog's Day and ultimately, a waste of my life. I know it will take time to be sure, but maybe I wasn't ready. Maybe this isn't my place. Maybe I should have listened to what I didn't know was my 'gut' before it was too late.

After struggling here for a couple of months, I knew a trip back home to Seattle would be a relief. I spent a long Labor Day weekend with family and friends. I had the honor of being a part of one of my very best friends' wedding day. I was surrounded by good people and great friends. It was a fun-filled wedding weekend and I had a great time. When I wasn't enjoying the wedding events, I was with my family. I missed them and it felt better than ever to spend every second I could with them. The weekend reminded me of all the things I want for my life and what kind of life I want to be a part of. It reiterated what I'm ready for and why I need my heart to heal so that it can be ready too. Needless to say, it was an emotional trip home.

Filled with confusion as to where I want to be, I will give San Diego the time I think is necessary before reevaluating the place I want to be. It may be Denver and it my be Seattle. I may be ready to move back home and surround myself with family or may want to move back to Denver and surround myself with the wonderful friends I made. I may actually get comfortable here, but regardless of the outcome, for now I'll hope the tears stop falling as frequently.

Authenticity

I'm absolutely in love right now! I'm in love with my freedom to intensify my commitment to rigorous authenticity. It's not that I haven't been extremely motivated in the past to prove I am who I say I am, but at this point I'm just rolling with the punches and realizing that I'm changing each day. I'm changing faster than I ever have and most of the time, I don't actually know for certain who I am or even think it's necessary to label myself.

I know in my heart what I value in life and I know in my soul what I long for to fulfill my life's desires. I will choose to walk the straight and narrow as I can best interpret what that is. I've realized that it's all any of us can do. We can merely choose to be true to ourselves and what we want because we can't control anything else. I believe with all my heart that we get in life what we have the courage to ask for. Asking requires authenticity.

There have been times where I've really truly believed I knew who I was and I wasn't allowing those things about myself to evolve. I've realized that now that those times are over and no longer necessary in this phase, I need to grow into who I want to be. That requires inevitable change. All of which, I find extremely exciting. My current state allows me to voice who I am each and every random moment without fear of being judged or hurt. Withholding such things or convincing myself of anything else harbors superficial relationships with others and, most importantly, myself.

I'm going to say what I want, as ridiculous as any sentence may be. No hiding. No excuses. I'm just figuring things out as I go. I haven't had the freedom to make decisions solely based on my own desires for quite some time. I'm doing my best to embrace this time because I know that these decisions will allow me to be authentic and get to know ME.

I'm stronger than I ever knew.

A mighty wind blew night and day
It stole the oak tree's leaves away,
Then snapped its boughs and pulled its bark
Until the oak was tired and stark.
But still the oak tree held its ground
While other trees fell all around.
The weary wind gave up and spoke,
"How can you still be standing, Oak?"
The oak tree said, "I know that you
Can break each branch of mine in two
Carry every leaf away,
Shake my limbs, and make me sway.
But I have roots stretched in the earth,
Growing stronger since my birth.
You'll never touch them, for you see,
They are the deepest part of me.
Until today, I wasn't sure
Of how much I could endure
But now I've found, with thanks to you,

I'm stronger than I ever knew.

Destiny

des-ti-ny (noun): a predetermined course of events often held to an irresistible power or agency

If that's the definition of the word, how is it that we can have the maximum power to shape our own destiny? If a course of events is predetermined, how can we have any control?

I never really understood that theory that assumes 'everything happens for a reason' or 'what is meant to be will be'. In my dreamworld, I'd really like to believe that those things are true, but part of me feels like that's a cop out that people like to flock to when they can't face disappointment. I wonder what I need to be so strong for if so many of my experiences are supposed to make me stronger. Should I be scared that I'll need that strength for something even bigger to come? I don't like the sound of that.

Anyway...My fear is that if we can shape our own destiny, a decision I make will steer me away from my destiny or take me on a detour of wasted time. Then again, those who believe that everything happens for a reason would say that the detour was all part of the plan. It was a path that led me to my destiny or something that needed to happen in order to shape me into who I am supposed to be, whoever that is. Maybe all of this is easier for those who are religious because somehow they were granted the ability to have faith in something they'll never really understand.

I wonder if this life right now is my destiny. Ok I'm only in my mid-twenties, so what could I really know about my destiny at this point right? I'd really like to know when the rest of my life will start though. I wonder if my destiny is that the rest of my life isn't supposed to work that way. My life's not supposed to start in the typical sense, but may have many starts and finishes before my dying day. Some people live in the same place, marry, have children, and live in the same house doing the same job for most of their lives. Maybe my life's not supposed to work that way or at least that's how it's starting to look. Maybe my life's a collection of short stories or mini sagas rather than a novel. If that's my destiny, maybe I shouldn't feel as disappointed as I do, but should just suck it up and go with it. I obviously can't control anything external, so I may just want to focus my thoughts on this destiny theory. If it really is irresistible, I probably shouldn't waste the energy trying to fight back anyway.

That brings me back to my first question. How can we shape our own destiny? Our choice of paths to take through life seem to be just that: our choices. If they're determined by us, what does that have to do with destiny? Apparently, I'm confused and very intrigued. I'll just hope this destiny theory is true and that things really do happen for a reason and that what is meant to be will, in fact, be. If that's true, obviously following your heart is the best life strategy. If destiny's predetermined, it must be driven by emotion. There must be a feeling you get that triggers a decision. If you fight the feeling, I would think you fight your destiny. Maybe that's why people often end up with the wrong people; they are stubborn. So our power to shape our destiny might just be granted by the emotion we can never really understand, but should just act on.

Maybe the moral of the destiny story is to follow your heart. Emotion has to be life's way of telling us something. It's something we can't explain, so it must be the answer. Our destiny is given to us through emotion and our power to shape our destiny lies in our power to make decisions based on the emotion we feel. Now if only following your heart were that easy...

Do you like how I just blogged my way to my answer?

Life's Treasures

"More than a few fairy tales feature the theme of characters who accidentally find a treasure. They’re not searching for treasure, don’t feel worthy of it, and aren’t fully prepared for it. They may initially not even know what they’re looking at, and see it as preposterous or abnormal or disquieting. Who could blame them if they ran away from the treasure? In order to recognize and claim it, they might have to shed a number of their assumptions about the way the world works. And they might have to clear up a discrepancy between their unconscious longings and their conscious intentions."

Being someone driven by emotions and the heart, I immediately interpret the treasure as people and love. I interpret that treasure as people with something special to give us which should be, as a result, treasured. It seems that, just as the above states, that treasure comes along when we aren't searching for it. We may have plans of our own and a vision of how we'll live our lives. We may feel defeated in a lot of ways...our experiences having left us feeling jaded and pessimistic. Regardless, it seems that little gems get placed in our paths and those gems represent something of great value.

These treasures, big or small, change our perception of life. If we can shed our assumptions and swallow our pride, we can embrace the gems that offer something special. Just as the above states, there are often discrepancies between our unconscious longings and our conscious intentions. One of my assumptions about how the world works is that we hide behind these conscious intentions too often. We develop some idea of how to live that will hopefully protect us and serve our selfish purposes. Those conscious intentions are set into place ignoring the subconscious longings we know are deep inside of us. Some of us are scared of those longings because they involve risk that could bring hurt. Unfortunately, many of us are scared of those longings not because of a fear of hurt, but the opinions of other people. However, in order to claim the treasures life drops around us, we have to shed those assumptions of how the world works and explore our subconscious longings.

Treasures can teach us. They can teach us about ourselves and about our lives. They can teach us about humanity as well as humility. That may be their contribution to our journeys. They can also provide something even greater and long-lasting. They may be a treasure to keep close to our hearts throughout our journeys. What I do know is that we'll never know their worth if we don't let our guards down to claim the treasures as our own. We may pass by our most valuable discoveries.

"Never take a person for granted. Hold every person close to your heart because you might wake up one day and realize that you've lost a diamond while you were too busy collecting stones."