DON'T MISTAKE UNIQUENESS FOR WEAKNESS

"Never take a person for granted. Hold every person close to your heart because you might wake up one day and realize that you've lost a diamond while you were too busy collecting stones."

I really don't think any of us truly know who we are as individuals, but that's the beauty of being human. We aren't supposed to really know for sure. The only thing we can be sure of is that we change and we do it every day. Each experience molds us in a different direction and forms who we are as individuals. What I am sure of is that being true to who we know we are and who we want to be is a highly commendable quality. None of us are perfect, but we should strive to be the type of people we want to be based on what we've learned from our own experiences as well as those of others.

"Friendship with oneself is all-important because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world."

- Eleanor Roosevelt

It takes courage to be an individual in our world - to have independent thoughts and morals. It takes more strength to stand up for the good in you then to give in to the bad influences around you. It takes courage to realize that sometimes being alone is better for you than succumbing to the desperation of having friends. That desperation often makes people oblivious to the situation they put themselves in. I think only those of us who are true individuals can remove ourselves from a situation and view it with the perspective of a perched bird. Only then can you perceive the relationships you have for what they truly are. Only then can you reflect on your actions and those of others so as to make decisions in the future that are best for you and only you.

"Associate yourself with men of good quality if you esteem your own reputation; for 'tis better to be alone than in bad company."

- George Washington (1732 - 1799) US Statesman

I think too often we hold on to relationships because of the history or convenience. I say that being away from home is hard at times, but it has been a palpable blessing. Removing myself from my comfort zone full of friends I've had forever has given me an amazing perspective on all of the relationships in my life. Throughout the years and through the moves, it gets easier and easier to know right away who I want in my life. I don't believe in making friends and spending time with people you don't truly care about or who don't truly care about you. I don't believe in holding onto relationships without mutual respect and appreciation. Being friends with people just because you've been friends for so long or just because there isn't anybody else around doesn't make sense to me anymore. I am proud to say that I love and respect the friends I choose to have. Each is extremely different from the next when it comes to career, beliefs, family, habits, dreams, etc., but they all have their own identities and that is respectable. They have their own identities and don't expect me to change into them or vice versa. They respect me for who I am.

"My best friend is the one who brings out the best in me."

- Henry Ford

Throughout my moves around, I have developed amazing relationships with people and I've learned a great amount about who I am and who I want to be. I've learned that rather then staying quiet and adapting to those around me, it's easier and more beneficial to open my mouth and say what I think and tell them what I'm about. If they like me, I know they like me for who I really am. If they don't, it doesn't matter to me one bit. There are too many people in this world to worry about one or two people disagreeing with the way I am. I appreciate the friends I've made. I appreciate them for loving me for who I am, for the stupid things I say, for the mistakes I make, for my imperfections, and mostly for our differences. No two people are that much alike and if it seems that they are, they aren't individuals and most likely don't truly know each other.

"Your friend is the man who knows all about you, and still likes you."

- Elbert Hubard

I've always said that I think it takes more strength to say how you feel than to hold it in. If you don't, you'll never know who you are and neither will those you claim to have relationships with. A foundation based on superficial things is no foundation at all. Do what you love. Explore who you are so you know how you feel and never hide those feelings from anyone. True friendship is founded on a mutual respect for individual thoughts and opinions. If you aren't being honest, you aren't being a friend. I have the most respect for those who do things because they love what they do, not because it's the popular thing to do. Being a follower is nothing to be proud of.

"A friend to all is a friend to none."

- Aristotle

Thank you to all of my wonderful friends who are so different in every single way. Keep being you. That's why I love you. Thank you for loving me.

"Never shall I forget the days I spent with you. Continue to be my friend, as you will always find me yours."

- Ludwig van Beethoven

I'm coming out of hibernation.

Alright alright...I'm getting sick of my own Negative Nancy ass. I know that I am constantly over-analyzing every situation and second-guessing most every decision I make as a result. I go over each possible scenario and outcome in my mind numerous times leading me to the worst possible result, which for some reason always seems more likely than the alternative. It's more than obvious to me and everyone around me that my way of thinking can get me into a lot of trouble. In my defense, I'm no fool and I'm not oblivious. At times I choose to ignore my logic and at other times, I choose to ignore my emotions. I'm really tired of my logic and emotions disagreeing. It's about time I held a mediation session between the two so we can all be friends again.

Using my Mom's description of my blog, I'm very poignant. This is true as what I've been spewing from my mind has been, to her and I at least, profoundly moving, sharply perceptive, and acutely painful. I'm not going to sugarcoat anything or mask my roller coaster of emotions, but I'm about sick of the acutely painful part of things. As indecisive as I am, I'm deciding to be happy. Being happy to me means being happy about my decisions and deciding to do things that make me happy. If that means sitting in my sweats, drinking with my girlfriend all day Saturday rather than doing laundry or going to the gym, so be it. My happiness has been at stake for what seems like an eternity. I'm going forward with the profoundly moving and sharply perceptive side of things....not that I really think anything I say is all that moving.

So what will I write about if I'm not closed off in a bear cave hibernating through the depression? Stupid things. Simple things. Shallow things. I don't know. Maybe I'll post lists. Maybe I'll be a critic of all things. Maybe I'll just spit out all of my thoughts that I don't have anyone to share with. Of course, I'll have good days and bad days and I'll have to share my thoughts on either day. As evidenced in this blog of mine, I'm not above pouring out my most buried emotions as sad as they may be at times. I'm just an awkwardly single girl with a ton on my mind. I don't have a family and kids to post stories about and share pictures of. I'm just plain lil' me.

I'm just going to be true to myself from now on. That's simple enough, right? Everything else will fall into place. I think I'm actually starting to believe that, oddly enough. Just like one of my magnets says:


This has been happening to me here and there, but my dumb ass has chosen to ignore it rather than embrace it. I'm pretty tired of my bear cave of emotions. I'm ready to be happy and I believe it's starting to happen so I'm just going to let it. Trying so hard has only taken away from my enjoyment of the little things in life. I fucking love those little things, so I need to get it together. I've gone against my grain for far too long. Maybe that's been the problem. Today was a good day and so was yesterday and the day before that and the day before that. I can't complain. I'm just going to ride this one out - out of hibernation.

Movies get me thinking. Thinking simply.

On New Year's Day, Lifetime was having a Jennifer Aniston marathon. I didn't realize the variety of roles she's played until I saw the movie lineup for the day. I did a lot of channel surfing throughout the day as my entire body was glued to my couch, so I saw bits and pieces of most of the flicks. The one I did watch entirely was "The Good Girl". Seen it? She plays a 30 year-old unhappily married employee of Bargain Barn and even sports a southern accent. Her stoner husband doesn't "get" her and she's unhappy with every aspect of her life from her job to her inability to conceive. Her unhappiness drives her to accept the attention of a coworker and start an affair with him, which only left her assured that she wanted to stay in her marriage regardless of her dissatisfaction. Her husband learns about the affair and immediately accepts what's happened and moves forward working on his marriage. Throughout the movie she gives a lot of narration about her life and some of what she said really hit home for me. Maybe I'm just too dark and twisty for my own good these days or maybe I'm just dark and twisty. Plain and simple. I'm learning lessons though and I'm looking forward to applying them.

"As a girl, you see the world as a giant candy store filled with sweet candy and such. But one day, you look around and see you're in a prison and you're on death row. You wanna run or scream or cry, but something's locking you up. Are the other folks cows, chewing cud till the hour comes and their heads roll? Or are they just keeping their quiet just like you, planning their escape?" Now that's something I can relate to. Obviously, I'm not keeping my quiet but I am realizing that I feel like I'm in a prison right now and I do want to run or scream and I do cry, but I'm locked up. Locked in my lonely apartment with the blinds closed ignoring the fabulousness of the world outside. Locked in a demanding career without motivation, curious about what might make me happy between 8 and 5. I need to be saved, by something, by someone, by myself, by anything. I don't want to "go to the grave with unlived life in my veins".

"Sometimes I think to myself, at least it can't get worse, but it can. A blind man can go deaf. A widow can lose her children." How true is this? It gives me a different perspective. It could be worse. It can always be worse than it is. For me, things have gotten worse after I thought they couldn't. While I feel broken, I have my youth, my health, my neglected career, and surprisingly enough...I have some hope for the future. I'm also hoping things start looking up sooner than later.

"The story of my current life is about a woman who was put upon. Whose job is a prison and whose life has lost meaning. Other people don't get her, especially the man she loved." Dark and twisty, but the way I feel a lot of the time. I don't even get myself anymore. I need to figure out a way for that to change - A concious effort to befriend myself and reach for possibilities.

So here I am in the "sad ruin that is my life", watching deeply sad movies and contemplating a purpose. "How it all came down to this, only the devil knows." We're here and then we die. I do know a few things, though. I want to live, love, and learn. What I've learned most recently is that I want to live simply and simply love. I've exhausted my patience for and my will to be complicated. I want a simple life with a simple job, simple needs, and most of all, I want to love simply. Nobody's close to perfect and those kind of expectations cause inevitable disappointment. I think loving simply means looking passed and working through imperfections for the sake of the bottom line: love. That's the only way to feel comfortable and safe in a relationship. Always just appreciating and loving. Simply happy. That's what I want. Plain and simple.

Another decade passes and a lot of shit went down.

I'm finally old enough, not that I'm excited about it, to remember all of the monumental moments of an entire decade of time. Whoa. Ten whole years just went by and it seems pretty damn quick looking back. In 1999, I was a sophomore/junior in high school turning 16, living at home, playing basketball most of the time, and smoking weed and drinking vodka the rest of the time. What the hell did I know about anything? Now at the end of 2009, I've lived in 5 states, graduated high school and college, became a CPA, watched my parents divorce, added a new stepmom and 2 new siblings to my family, made friends from all over the country, had the hots for euro-dudes, been a stepmom, been a military "spouse", bought a house, been pierced 4 times and gotten 3 tattoos, and so on and so on. That transition from teenager in high school to working adult has been a wild one. I watched my world grow up around me and shit have things changed.

When I was just a wee little tike, VCR's were new and my parents still played vinyl records. Answering machines with little tapes were your only option if you wanted to know who called. I sat on the console of a corvette or some other muscle car, on the floor of a race car, or on a harley. We've now gone through cassette tapes and CD's. We did the cordless phone thing with the automatic message lady. We started wearing seatbelts. What hasn't changed since then? So much happened between my birth and the new millennium and I was too young to keep track.Now it's the start of another new decade, but this time there's no fear of Y2K. We can rest easy knowing that the internet and everything digital isn't going to blow up. The host of the house party where you'll be celebrating probably won't shut off power at midnight sending the house full of drunken teenagers into a panic. Things have changed.

In my opinion, the most significant happenings of the decade are 9/11 and other terrorist attacks around the globe sending the world into paranoia and war. Coming to mind are things like anthrax and shoe bombers not to mention the deaths and injuries of countless American Troops. Deployments to fight the war on terror have hit home in the most personal way. After 9/11 and tempted attacks, it's hard to remember what it was like walking a loved one to their

departure gate or surprising another when they arrive at their gate. Then li

quids were banned and ziploc bags at security checkpoints became a staple. Terrorism, war and lost lives, and airport security. Those things could easily define the decade. My hope is that they won't define the next.

Natural disasters have been a plenty. There have been massive tsunamis and earthquakes in the East. We experienced a hurricane named Katrina that nearly wiped a US city off the map. After 2005, Katrina's not the prettiest name.

We elected George W. Bush as a president after the closest election in history. Way to kick off a decade. Based on that decision, I was baffled when we had a woman and a black

man battling to win the democratic nomination. In this decade, and thankfully my lifetime, a black man has been elected the President of the United States. Other political breakthroughs include the legalization of same-sex marriage for the first time in 2004. Then we experienced a global financial collapse and government bailouts and all around panic. I guess I should also mention that there's now such thing as The Governator. Don't even get me started on Sarah Palin. Quite the decade for politics.

Technology has an entirely new meaning. We have DVDs and now Blurays and why did we ever have to live without digital cable or DVRs?!?! Remember having to sit and watch the TV guide channel? Torture. Cell phones have come a long way. A cell phone can now be your phone, camera, video camera, computer, stereo, and instant messenger. Don't you remember that Ginuwine song, Two-Way? Yeah...the first texting and it was a pager, not a cell phone. The internet has transformed into something completely indispensable. I'm blogging, one, I can share my blog on Facebook, two, and even attach videos from YouTube, three. I don't have dial-up AOL, but high-speed cable internet that I use on my iMac rather than a Dell. Let us not forget about the technology advances in the music world. I don't know if I had started downloading music for free on Napster to burn CDs by the end of the last decade, but now I buy songs on iTunes or Amazon and load them onto my iPod. Technology these days has done away with VCRs, tape players, phone books, checkbooks, fax machines, and countless other things of the past.

Obviously there are other random milestones of the decade such as the Harry Potter phenomenon, our first American Idol in 2002, Botox, the write-off of Pluto as a planet, the Enron scandal, the Chappelle Show, the Office, and other things like Red Bull and Free Credit Reports. We also lost people special to the world such as Bernie Mac, Aaliyah, Dale Earnhardt, Heath Ledger, and even Michael Jackson. It seems the world is both advancing and tearing itself apart at lighting speed.

I'm sure there are things I've missed, but so much has happened in my life and the world around me that it's hard to keep a tally. If all of that happened in the last decade, I can't imagine what this next one's going to bring. Any predictions? Flying cars, life on another planet, the Jetson's robot maids, the obsoletion of paper? I just hope that I won't have to see the extinction of Penguins thanks to another one of the last decade's terms: Global Warming. Personally, I'm hoping it brings me strength and stability, marriage, children, and maybe a new career. Yikes! Good thing we have seatbelts and airbags now. I have a damn good feeling I'll need them.

2010: Handle with care. Fragile contents.

Is it just me or has 2009 been the worst year in the history of life? It's been quite the crazy decade for that matter. Thankfully, I know a couple people who have had a decent year. I sure haven't. I've been chewed up and spit out and I'm hoping a fresh start to 2010 will give me some motivation to put myself back together again. From start to finish, this year has been awful. Absolutely devastating and life altering. At the end of this calendar year, I'm living alone in Colorado filled with hatred and distrust for pretty much everyone, my sister's moving back home thanks to a year of roommate drama, my best friend's still working through her divorce, my dad's slowly getting vision back after his stroke, and my mom finally got a job after being laid off. You can thank me for the brief pity party. I guarantee you that I could go on and in more detail, but what's the use at this point? What's done is done and what happened will leave a lasting effect on the rest of the years to come.

I guess my mom's new job and increased salary is a plus for the year. Let's see, I know there are a few more positives. Jaclyn has a good boyfriend who loves her to pieces. My dad got married in Vegas so we had a nice family vacation in Sin City. I got to visit Indiana, California, and South Carolina to spend time with amazing friends. I spent a lot of therapeutical time back home in Washington. I ran 6 races and hiked a 14er. Although it was forced, I also have a newfound appreciation for having alone time. Through all of the hardships, I guess I've learned some tough lessons. I think it's too soon to understand what they are, but I'm sure they're there. I'm just hoping there's a hardship max out point or at least some time in between.

In 2010, I want a fresh start. I can't reset my life and now I know I have no control over most things that happen. All I can do is stay strong, motivated, and turn my anger into some sort of positive actions. This year, I can look forward to finishing another tough audit in March, possibly going to Cancun if I finish in time, working with new people, going to Vegas for a bachelorette party, getting the fuck out of Colorado, starting completely over, being in my friend's wedding, running my ass off, and plenty of other productive happenings.

With that, good riddance 2009! You really sucked and I hate everything you represent. If I had my way, I'd erase you from my memory but, unfortunately, you left scars that will never fully heal. You're a bitch and can go straight to hell and get fucked. Hey, you've been warned about the hatred part.

This next year, I'm hoping I can use my war wounds to my advantage. My resolution, and I don't make those, is to start off on my refreshed, positive, and motivated journey through the next stages of my life. Hopefully a new attitude will diminish my desire to be in an emotionally stunted intoxicated coma. I'm closing the book and reaching for a new one. The first few chapters are going to be rocky, necessarily callused, and full of internal battles, but thanks to a lot of effort and persistence, there will be a happy ending. There has to be.

Hi 2010. My name is Jasmine. It's nice to meet you.

I'll tell him where to put his presents!!

This is hilarious! Don't ask me how I found it. I won't be able to tell you! It's perfect for Christmas 2009...

Musically Emo

I guess you could say I'm a tad "Emo", which is a term I had Jaclyn define for me last night. I'm apparently "Emo" in the sense that I'm emotional and listen to really deep music that brings out that emotional me. My opinion is that the best lyrics are thought-provoking and meaningful. Let's face it, Elliott Smith, Tupac, and Tim McGraw all have something in common. Their lyrics are their poetry, their thoughts and beliefs, and their lives and experiences told as stories for our ultimate benefit. I appreciate all types of expressing those lyrics including the occasional yell over guitars and intense bass. I'm defenseless to heart string tugs.

While playing my iTunes on random, I was pleasantly reminded of one of those songs that I could listen to over and over appreciating every single word and respecting the courage and depth required to express those words.