Decisions, decisions...

I went from having no time to think to having too much time to think. I told myself that my unhappiness stemmed from being miserably busy. As things died down, I realized that wasn't entirely true. Sure, I was miserably busy but I was also miserable otherwise. It wasn't my sunny morning beach runs or the ridiculously cheap happy hours with friends. It wasn't warm days laying on a towel in the sand or the silhouettes of palm trees against the blue sky on distant hilltops. It was the loneliness and overwhelming pressure I felt when I opened up my Deloitte hp laptop. I didn't necessarily feel pressure from superiors, but from the loss of motivation and drive. My positive attitude toward my extremely demanding career had escaped me.

I had to reassure myself that I wasn't just focusing my doubts toward work and just missing the whole point of my unhappiness. I reached out and had buddy dinners, counselor lunches, and talked about the atmosphere of this location with colleagues. Based on what I was observing, I wasn't exactly surprised that many of them had similar opinions. Therefore, I sought the guidance of the superiors I trust (who just so happen to be in Denver). Regardless of any bias, I turned to who I trust - those who care for me and my future. After repeating my dilemma numerous times, I kept drawing the same conclusion. I made a call and confirmed my return to the Denver office.

I'm leaving the cons of negative working relationships, lack of drive, congestion, astronomical income tax, and the general nature of Never Never Land. Sadly though, I'm also leaving the pros of bodies of water, California burritos, mild/warm climate, beach runs, great friends, fun happy hours, and much more. While the lack of water and lengthy winters are cons of Denver, the Mile-High City is a stones throw away from the mountains and has over 300 days of sunshine a year. Colorado's full of extremely kindhearted people and unlimited outdoor activities. I have amazing relationships there including friendships and those of a working nature, not to mention my heart's most significant connection. The leadership in the Denver office motivates me to perform well and in return, I know they will help me accomplish my goals and explore my aspirations. Like I mentioned in my previous post, leaving Denver was difficult and now I know why. I took a lot of things for granted including those that brought me security and fulfillment. I followed my heart there in the first place and I left my heart there as I drove my life away. It has been my home and will continue to be just that...until further notice.

The sun has set on my experience here. With that, I say farewell to San Diego thankful for the time I did spend here. I have furthered my understanding of myself and what I truly value. I appreciate the friendships forged here and the lessons learned. Now I will say goodbye and leave the short time I spent here to my memories.

Another Summer Passes

As I sit in my 'new' apartment in San Diego for the first time since moving-in almost 2 weeks ago, I'm trying to reflect on the Summer that just passed. I'm struggling.

Since the beginning of June, I packed my life up and moved it from Denver to San Diego. I enjoyed every last second I got to spend in Colorado this summer , ran my first half marathon in Seattle over my 27th birthday weekend, and put my life in a moving truck. Leaving Colorado was much harder than I anticipated and I even had second thoughts. If I thought it were possible, I probably would have changed my mind and stayed in Denver. Instead, I kept telling myself that I needed a new start in a new place. Not allowing myself to go with gut, I convinced myself I didn't know any better and should follow through with my move to San Diego. I said goodbye and spent the 4th of July with my mom in Las Vegas where we parked the moving truck for the night. My generous and thoughtful friend let me stay with her while my life was packed up in a storage unit and I was searching for a new place to call home. I started working at the office here and was thrust into an intense audit right from the start. In the extremely small amount of time I had, I found a place to live. We issued the client's 10-K and I started to unpack. Unpacking came with intense emotions as pulling my life out of boxes and placing it on new shelves filled my with regret and a unwelcome permanence.

My new beginning in San Diego hasn't been easy and has me missing everything about Colorado. I had just settled into my life there and felt comfortable after almost a year of learning. I had good people around me and the great outdoors at my fingertips. As much as I tried to tell myself this move is what's best for me, I can't help but disagree now that I'm here. Again, I'm just able to sit down in my own space for the first time after 2 long months. Only after I'm able to settle and get into a routine here will I be able to truly evaluate my new life situation. As of now, all I feel is exhaustion, loneliness, and regret. My attempt to start over has left me rehashing the past, making it seem impossible to move forward. Rather, I've felt that each day I've been here has been Groundhog's Day and ultimately, a waste of my life. I know it will take time to be sure, but maybe I wasn't ready. Maybe this isn't my place. Maybe I should have listened to what I didn't know was my 'gut' before it was too late.

After struggling here for a couple of months, I knew a trip back home to Seattle would be a relief. I spent a long Labor Day weekend with family and friends. I had the honor of being a part of one of my very best friends' wedding day. I was surrounded by good people and great friends. It was a fun-filled wedding weekend and I had a great time. When I wasn't enjoying the wedding events, I was with my family. I missed them and it felt better than ever to spend every second I could with them. The weekend reminded me of all the things I want for my life and what kind of life I want to be a part of. It reiterated what I'm ready for and why I need my heart to heal so that it can be ready too. Needless to say, it was an emotional trip home.

Filled with confusion as to where I want to be, I will give San Diego the time I think is necessary before reevaluating the place I want to be. It may be Denver and it my be Seattle. I may be ready to move back home and surround myself with family or may want to move back to Denver and surround myself with the wonderful friends I made. I may actually get comfortable here, but regardless of the outcome, for now I'll hope the tears stop falling as frequently.

Success

Authenticity

I'm absolutely in love right now! I'm in love with my freedom to intensify my commitment to rigorous authenticity. It's not that I haven't been extremely motivated in the past to prove I am who I say I am, but at this point I'm just rolling with the punches and realizing that I'm changing each day. I'm changing faster than I ever have and most of the time, I don't actually know for certain who I am or even think it's necessary to label myself.

I know in my heart what I value in life and I know in my soul what I long for to fulfill my life's desires. I will choose to walk the straight and narrow as I can best interpret what that is. I've realized that it's all any of us can do. We can merely choose to be true to ourselves and what we want because we can't control anything else. I believe with all my heart that we get in life what we have the courage to ask for. Asking requires authenticity.

There have been times where I've really truly believed I knew who I was and I wasn't allowing those things about myself to evolve. I've realized that now that those times are over and no longer necessary in this phase, I need to grow into who I want to be. That requires inevitable change. All of which, I find extremely exciting. My current state allows me to voice who I am each and every random moment without fear of being judged or hurt. Withholding such things or convincing myself of anything else harbors superficial relationships with others and, most importantly, myself.

I'm going to say what I want, as ridiculous as any sentence may be. No hiding. No excuses. I'm just figuring things out as I go. I haven't had the freedom to make decisions solely based on my own desires for quite some time. I'm doing my best to embrace this time because I know that these decisions will allow me to be authentic and get to know ME.

I'm stronger than I ever knew.

A mighty wind blew night and day
It stole the oak tree's leaves away,
Then snapped its boughs and pulled its bark
Until the oak was tired and stark.
But still the oak tree held its ground
While other trees fell all around.
The weary wind gave up and spoke,
"How can you still be standing, Oak?"
The oak tree said, "I know that you
Can break each branch of mine in two
Carry every leaf away,
Shake my limbs, and make me sway.
But I have roots stretched in the earth,
Growing stronger since my birth.
You'll never touch them, for you see,
They are the deepest part of me.
Until today, I wasn't sure
Of how much I could endure
But now I've found, with thanks to you,

I'm stronger than I ever knew.

Transition - The truth has set me free.

Since my last post, a tremendous amount of change has ripped through my life. This last year's been a crazy ride and while it's been terribly confusing for me up until now, I'm relieved that it's over. These last two months have brought a great amount of clarity as a result of a couple more painful trials. I am finally realizing that the pain I've felt has been necessary for me to grow and learn.

Certain truths have come to the surface to show themselves and being a big picture person, I took a step back and tried to look at everything from the outside. The result was the realization that these most recent falls were opportunities for me. My choice was either to let everything further defeat me or to use the situations as opportunities to move forward. It became clear that the truth really did set me free. I never understood that saying until the moment when I learned the truth. I was no longer burdened and stifled with confusion and doubt. I felt like I was being given validation and a new beginning without the negativity. I realized that I had been given an opportunity to remove myself from that negativity that had been plaguing me. I took that leap.

Now I'm looking forward. Obviously in the forefront of my mind is the mountain of hurt I have to come to terms with. While I'm confident I've removed myself from the path of additional hurt, I still have to get over this mountain. This is something I'm working through on a daily basis, but with a newfound appreciation and motivation. I've been surrounding myself with loved ones who have proven to be on my team and appreciate me. I've been focusing on goals, training for a half marathon and taking online classes. The most significant factor in my journey forward is my fast-coming move to San Diego. I'm doing something for myself and making decision based solely on what I want. I am moving toward a fresh start with no strings attached. I'm entering the biggest transition I've faced and I'm entering it feeling completely free. I'm exercising my power to choose and I choose freedom.

I obviously wish I could just say what I mean because it's really hard to explain how I feel without explaining exactly why. It's hard to say what I have to say without actually saying it, so sorry if this is vague and confusing.

Destiny

des-ti-ny (noun): a predetermined course of events often held to an irresistible power or agency

If that's the definition of the word, how is it that we can have the maximum power to shape our own destiny? If a course of events is predetermined, how can we have any control?

I never really understood that theory that assumes 'everything happens for a reason' or 'what is meant to be will be'. In my dreamworld, I'd really like to believe that those things are true, but part of me feels like that's a cop out that people like to flock to when they can't face disappointment. I wonder what I need to be so strong for if so many of my experiences are supposed to make me stronger. Should I be scared that I'll need that strength for something even bigger to come? I don't like the sound of that.

Anyway...My fear is that if we can shape our own destiny, a decision I make will steer me away from my destiny or take me on a detour of wasted time. Then again, those who believe that everything happens for a reason would say that the detour was all part of the plan. It was a path that led me to my destiny or something that needed to happen in order to shape me into who I am supposed to be, whoever that is. Maybe all of this is easier for those who are religious because somehow they were granted the ability to have faith in something they'll never really understand.

I wonder if this life right now is my destiny. Ok I'm only in my mid-twenties, so what could I really know about my destiny at this point right? I'd really like to know when the rest of my life will start though. I wonder if my destiny is that the rest of my life isn't supposed to work that way. My life's not supposed to start in the typical sense, but may have many starts and finishes before my dying day. Some people live in the same place, marry, have children, and live in the same house doing the same job for most of their lives. Maybe my life's not supposed to work that way or at least that's how it's starting to look. Maybe my life's a collection of short stories or mini sagas rather than a novel. If that's my destiny, maybe I shouldn't feel as disappointed as I do, but should just suck it up and go with it. I obviously can't control anything external, so I may just want to focus my thoughts on this destiny theory. If it really is irresistible, I probably shouldn't waste the energy trying to fight back anyway.

That brings me back to my first question. How can we shape our own destiny? Our choice of paths to take through life seem to be just that: our choices. If they're determined by us, what does that have to do with destiny? Apparently, I'm confused and very intrigued. I'll just hope this destiny theory is true and that things really do happen for a reason and that what is meant to be will, in fact, be. If that's true, obviously following your heart is the best life strategy. If destiny's predetermined, it must be driven by emotion. There must be a feeling you get that triggers a decision. If you fight the feeling, I would think you fight your destiny. Maybe that's why people often end up with the wrong people; they are stubborn. So our power to shape our destiny might just be granted by the emotion we can never really understand, but should just act on.

Maybe the moral of the destiny story is to follow your heart. Emotion has to be life's way of telling us something. It's something we can't explain, so it must be the answer. Our destiny is given to us through emotion and our power to shape our destiny lies in our power to make decisions based on the emotion we feel. Now if only following your heart were that easy...

Do you like how I just blogged my way to my answer?