Just like Charlie Brown, I like giving and receiving gifts, sending cards, decorating, and listening to Christmas music. Just like Charlie Brown, I'm feeling sad. For my first Christmas as a single girl living alone, staying in Colorado, my dad sent my sister to spend the holiday with me in an effort to ward off any of that inevitable Christmas depression I'd be feeling after the year I've had. I haven't spent Christmas at home since 2005, but Jaclyn's never been away from home for the holiday. I used that as an excuse to buy a tree and new ornaments, decorate my apartment, and hang lights on my balconies. It's only fair that I make it feel like Christmas for her. To get in the spirit, I started streaming Sounds of the Season and sent out Christmas cards with pictures of Brutus (yes, apparently I've become that woman at far too young of an age). I baked and I attended a holiday party and I went to my friend's family's Christmas. I bought fancy wrapping paper to wrap one gift for a friend's daughter because I love making people smile. Unfortunately, I couldn't do much else this year as 2009 has been quite an asshole to my wallet. I even bought a gift for a friend's dog. I've tried. Still, just like Charlie Brown, I can't shake that down-in-the-dumps feeling. I should be giggling with my sister and playing in the snow and baking cookies. The truth is, I'd rather be drunk. I've spent more of this break being hungover than being cheerful. I'm being self-destructive. What the hell is wrong with me?
How can I be sad? My dad gave my sister and I the gift of spending our first Christmas together in years, I'm not working my ass off like I was last year, our parents sent us boxes of wrapped gifts to open on Christmas, I've received Christmas cards and a gift from a friend, and it's a completely white Christmas here in Colorado. Maybe it's that regardless of these wonderful things, this time last year I never would have thought I'd be spending a Christmas like this. I had an idea of what all my future Christmases would be like and this is definitely not what I had in mind. I realize that it could be so much worse and I should stop feeling like this. I have family, a roof over my head, food in my fridge, and an entire closet of prized possessions to keep me warm. That makes me a total jackass for being sad, doesn't it? I realize that. I just feel like I need something I don't have.
Dear Santa,
For Christmas this year, I would only like one thing. I had this thing, but I lost it somewhere and can't seem to find it no matter how hard I look. I hope this isn't too much to ask, but there isn't anything else I can think of that I want or need. Charlie Brown found it, but I haven't been so lucky. For Christmas this year, I'd really like...Inspiration. I don't know where else to turn, Santa. Please help.
With all of my Christmas Love,
Jasmine
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